2005

Well its the end of a year. Again. Seems to pass so fast. Though I have no problem starting a new year. I'm not old enough to feel really old when that happens so its okay. However, I can't help but think when it comes time for a new year. And think about making all those resolutions and such.
My new calender for January says "Its a new year, time to stand up for yourself and beg for respect". Makes me wonder if I have respect from people. Has 2005 been a year where I have deserved respect from people? I can think back on the year and maybe I've done a few good things. Maybe I've somewhat conquered a few things but I really don't think I deserve respect. I lie. I make people think I'm better than I really am. I make them think I'm healthy and am looking after myself when I'm really not. I lie to loved ones too much. I fake whole relationships it seems. I often don't even know if I'm lying sometimes. So that makes me deserve no respect at all.
I ruin things. I have this innate ablity to ruin things. I not only ruin actually material things but I ruin relationships. My own and those of others. I am selfish and pathetic when it comes to my own relationships. I abandon close friends and expect way too much of the ones I have. I don't give back nearly as much as I expect either.
I hate myself. I hate everything about myself. I hate what others say they love and no matter how much others might love me ( and I don't see how its done) I can't love myself. I do everything possible to make myself better or what I think should be better. What I want is unreachable and not needed.
I procratinate. I put important things off, like school or work. And don't succeede to what I know I'm capable of because of it. I whine and I complain. I don't like stress and I don't like emotional pain. And I don't deal well with it. I'm a whimp. I"m afraid of my own self. I"m afraid of my unconscious and what lies therein. I'm afraid of things that happened years ago. I beat myself up over things over which I have no control. I blame myself for things that I know I didn't bring on.
I hate my father. For things I should be able to get over. And I'm not too fond of my brother. I play favorites with siblings. I get hurt by one person and hate the whole lot. I have no respect for law enforcement officers or politicians and often religious leaders. I go to church cause I know my mother, and best friends would be angry if I didn't. I pray because friends make me. I'm bitter and angry.
I fear the dark, being alone and being in crowds. I hate any sort of unorganized noise. I often don't control my actions and do things without thinking. I want to be able to drink alcohol. I overdose on medications too often. I am dependent on friends yet don't want anyone telling me what to do or how to do it. I need things to be tidy. I annoying tidy things without even knowing I'm doing it. I tidy other people's homes. I need things to be perfect. I feel I need to be perfect. And I know I never will be.
So this has officially been my "no one will ever want to be with me forever and those who do are just as crazy as I am" post. Yeah. I started out as a what has changed this year post and I sit back now and think...nothing. Sure maybe I"m not as lonely as I was last year and maybe I"m living on my own now and can control my life more but I'm not different than I ever was. I'm still a suicidal anorexic perfectionist who doesn't deserve any respect or any love.

Merry New Year!

\Well its been a few days. Its after Christmas! Hope everyone had a great christmas!
Mine was definetly interesting. Filled with fighting family members. Mostly that's the only thing that was interesting. I like rum and eggnog. A little too much I think.
Anyways, it was okay. I really miss Marie. So does Willow. Marie left a message and I played it on speakerphone and Willow went crazy trying to find her. It was really cute.
So Christmas was good. I got to see Dave lots, well maybe not lots but enough. I blame my new aquired swearing to him. We went to see Fun with Dick and Jane last night, with Mary too. It was great. I think I laughed at parts that weren't even funny but that's okay right? I thought so too.
And I got to see Mary lots too. Which was great. Cause I haven't seen her much lately. So seeing her was really good. I have yet to see Tara but there are plans for tomorrow. And I have yet to see Vanessa. But I am just about to call her and make those plans. I saw plenty of my family. Its sad that those are the only people there are for me to see over christmas. Yep. I'm pathetic. I have 4 friends. Well 5 counting Marie... who's not here... sniff...
Maybe not being here next year isn't a good idea... we'll see.
So going to dinner with the family tonight. Should be interesting. Alex is spending the night tonight. That will be fun. I love my little brother. And then tomorrow morning we're getting family pictures taken. That will be horrible.
I got my bookshelf for christmas. Quite happy. And enough money for an mp3 player. I"ve been doing much travelling between here and Fredericton so I figure it would be cool to have music... I like music. As well I want music for other large travelling I do. Not going to Toronto though. Which sucks. Cause I really wanted to go. But I suppose I couldn't have handled the amount of catching up I would have had to do. Anyways, I suppose I should go call Vanessa and get ready for dinner.
Later.

Post - getting marks back rant

Well Marks are in! And I'm somewhat okay with them. Well yeah. Well not all my marks are in but three of the four are. I don't get a mark for english this semester so I'm okay. I got a B+ in psyc. And a B in French (that one could be better but next semester it will be). As well as a C+ in Astronomy and Physics!!! wOot!! Somehow I passed the exam. Somehow... I have no idea. Anyways, that's all for now. My Merry Christmas post will come later.

Post-exam rant

Well exams are done. If I had the energy and gumption I probably would jump up and down but I'm too tired for that. Marks aren't in yet. Should be in the next few days though, I'm not sure I want to see them though and I may just wait till after christmas to check that them but who am I trying to kid. I"ll be checking on a regular basis, cause I want to know how I did. And then I"ll be able to properly either congratulate myself or beat myself up over how I did.
Marie and I had our christmas last night. It was really cool. She got me things to do with bedroom with. Which is great, so I'm gonna take a few days to get my room all snazzied up and such. I'm hoping to do it in purples and blues. All sorts of shades. So I need a picture or two and actually Dave had mentioned a cool idea today so I'm gonna try to find blue and purple frames and do some cool thing over my bed. And I think I"ll try and find a purple and blue pillow too. Yep. I'm really excited. I found my lava lamp and put it out. And I got some pretty candle holders from Marie too. Not sure where I"m gonna put those but I"ll find a cool place. I have a few ideas.
I think I should get something to eat. Its 11:30 and I only had some chicken nuggets and fries today... well.... yeah. Okay. Getting food.
Okay. So I am paranoid. Marie left for Alberta (her home) this afternoon and she's gone for three weeks. I'm really really happy for her. However, I've never been alone for 3 weeks. And yeah, I know it really isn't that big of a deal but for some who is as much of a wimp as I am. It is a big deal. So I've been hearing things and somehow the cat keeps getting into Marie's room (the door is closed) and she keeps closing the door behind her and then there is alot of noise cause she can't get out and then I freak out cause I think someone is in the apartment... oh its a sad life that I lead.
So I almost completely finished up christmas shopping today. Dave took me out shopping, mostly for Mary, and Tara too. So now I have a super great gift for Tara! and hopefully something that Mary will think is super too.
Its been a really long time since I've had toast with peanut butter and honey. I think that's what I"ll be living on for the next little while. So I called the cable company today to ask if I could order cable for a month but you can't.Which kind of makes me mad... but whatever. I can live with 3 channels... I"m just waiting for the news to be on and then there is bound to be something on.. not sure if it will be something I want to watch but there'll be something on. I'm gonna pick up a few movies tomorrow.
See now I'm worried that the christmas tree is gonna catch fire... *sigh...*... oh dear...
I'm gonna make a major donation of clothing to the Salvation Army tomorrow. I cleaned out my drawers and tried on clothes that I hadn't worn in a while... I'm saying they shrunk even though I know I've gained weight but let's not ruin a good blog.. Anyways... yeah. So lots of clothes to get rid of. I found a few pairs of old jeans, they're a bit small but by the Habitat trip they'll fit again and they'll be good to take with. Also found some clothes that don't even belong to me... I'm really not sure who's they are... .... I definetly wasn't wearing them... anyways.. that's beside the point.
So I've begun making New Year's resolutions already. Silly ones but making them anyways. Gonna start them now, that way maybe by the time new years comes along they'll actually be a bit of a habit and will last more than a day.
I really need to pick up a few groceries. Not enough for me to live on here for 3 weeks... I love how I can hear my neighbor's having showers. Its great fun. I do love that lava lamp. It gives the room a nice blue glow.
Anyways, I think I'm gonna end this here. I'm sure I've got more to say but I'll do that later. I'll have lots of time.
Night.

Christmas tree!!

I have only one exam left!! Wootwoot! I'm quite happy.
So yesterday's wasn't nearly as bad as I was expecting, I actually think I did quite well on it. Which is really nice, I could use a good mark in that class. I bought a christmas tree yesterday. Which is really fun. Except that its sitting in a bucket in my living room and we can't figure out how to get it to stand up. So, I'm off to Canadian Tire in a few minutes to buy a stand. And a saw. So I can saw the end off. So it doesn't die christmas day. And then tonight Marie and I are gonna decorate it. Which is even more fun. Oh right, that all reminds me that I need to make pasta salad for the christmas party tonight. Anyways, now I"ll remember.
So last night when I couldn't sleep I saw and heard something that is really bothering me. And I don't think it should as much it does. I don't think its my job to really care about it. Sometimes I really wish I was a bit more apathetic. Cause it would come in handy.
I'm also a bit ticked off that I can't find my best friend a christmas gift... and that I have no clue what to get her. That's ridiculous. Anyways, too tired to beat myself up over crazy things. I need to go catch the bus so I can get my tree stand and my saw.
Till Later.

Failing, Snow, sick, taking on too much etc...

sigh*. I now know what its like to fail an exam and a class. Wow... I don't think I like the failing feeling. Luckily I think I can push it out of my mind until my other exams are done and then I can go hide in a corner and cry about it. However, failing this class means I've failed my science requirement and therefore need to take another science class. That is not so good. Not that really any of this is good. However I won't take it next semester, I'll wait and fill that requirement over the summer or next year. My mother can so not find out about this. I can only imagine the hell and the possible suicide that would ensue should she find out. Oh it would not be good.
So here I am sitting here with my hot clam chowder (surprisingly from the cafeteria), I'm cold, quite depressed really and very very tired and sick. I'd really like to go home, take a few too many meds and sleep for the rest of the day, however I must stay here so I can go to my Doctor's appt at 1. Which is in an hour, so that's not so bad.The chowder is hot so I'll be eating it for an hour I'm sure. Its a good day to see a doctor. Yeah. Cause I'm sick and quite down.
My professor just sent my astronomy class an email, wishing us a Merry Christmas and thanking us for taking the class. I want to reply and say that I didn't fail the class cause I hated it but that would be a lie. So I suppose I shouldn't.
So its snowing again... or maybe that's just previous snow blowing around. Either way there is snow on the ground. And its very cold out. I decided after I nearly froze my ears off the morning that I need to buy a hat. I hate hats though. I look ridiculous in them. But I suppose I'd also look ridiculous without ears. So Christmas is only 11 (?) days away. I think I'm gonna get my christmas tree tomorrow or maybe even today. Maybe today, except its awfully cold to be traipsing through the woods for a tree to chop down, put in a bucket and leave to die in my house. However if I get it tomorrow, neither Marie nor I will have time to decorate it until friday night and that would be horrible (only cause I'm so impatient). Ahh... life's little dillemas.
Why only give me two crackers with my soup? Do people honestly expect people to only eat two crackers with their soup? What about the people who eat soup with their crackers? What about them? Was has become of our food service industry....? - That was my rant of the day.
\So Marie leaves for her home next Tuesday and the days that ensue will prove my incapability to be alone for long periods of time. But I will have my cat and cats are very good company, especially my cat. Who by the way has one 12 kitten wars so far... she has however also lost.. not sure how that happened, must be a miscalculation family:arial;color:#3366ff;">http://kittenwar.com/kittens/41500/
So I think it might be a bad idea to have 6 courses next semester - however my thinking that's a bad idea and my doing something about it are two different things. But I am very excited about starting new classes. Especially my classics course and my linguistics one. Intro to logic sounds like it'll be pretty cool too.
Well I should get going. Finish my soup and go to the doctor. Tootles.

This is me not studying...

What Peanuts Character are you? - I mean, how could I resist...

You scored as Linus. You are the cute boy with the blankie. you are unique and a good friend. you are slightly insecure and very stubborn sometimes. when you get to be 18 it's time to give up the blankie, okay? Linus 100% Woodstock 88% Charlie Brown 63% Lucy 63% Snoopy 38% What " quizfarm.com http:> created with QuizFarm.com

Okay... back to studying... or should I say start studying... *sigh...*

Signs your cat has a personality disorder

Signs your cat has a personality disorder
16. Couldn't muster up sufficient disdain if all nine lives depended on it!
15. You've repeatedly found him in the closed garage, hunched over the wheel of your running Buick.
14. Sits for hours in fascination while listening to Bob Dole.
13. Teeth and claw marks all over your now-empty bottles of Prozac.
12. No longer licks paws clean, but washes them at the sink again and again and again...
11. Continually scratches on the door to get in... the OVEN door.
10. Doesn't get Garfield, but laughs like hell at Marmaduke.
9. Rides in your car with its head out the window.
8. She's a dues-paid, card-carrying member of the Reform Party.
7. You realize one day that the urine stains on the carpet actually form the letters N-E-E-D T-H-E-R-A-P-Y.
6. Has built a shrine to Andrew Lloyd Webber entirely out of empty "9 Lives" cans.
5. Spends all day in litterbox separating the green chlorophyll granules from the plain white ones.
4. After years of NPR, Tabby is suddenly a Ditto-Puss.
3. Sullen and overweight, your sunglass-wearing cat shoots the TV with a .45 Magnum when it sees cartoon depictions of stupid or lazy felines.
2. Your stereo is missing, and in the corner you find a pawn ticket and 2 kilos of catnip.
and the Number 1 Sign Your Cat has a Personality Disorder...
1. Makes an attempt on "First Cat" Sock's life in a pathetic attempt to impress Jodie Foster.

That's my funny for the day. I'm all out. Now officially serious for the rest of the day.
Anyways, gotta go get ready for the party. Tootles.

What Beatles Song Am I?

Jude
You scored 41 shyness, 13 bitterness, 57 moral, and 24 eccentric! Hey Jude! You are the average Joe/Jane, a decent person striving to make their place in the world. Full of hopes and dreams, but one of the things you want most is that special person to spend your life with. Don't despair if you can't seem to find them - you're a prize! "And anytime you feel the pain, hey Jude, refrain, Don't carry the world upon your shoulders. For well you know that it's a fool who plays it cool By making his world a little colder." - 'Hey Jude' I don't really think that's all true but anyways. I'm sure am I shy and somewhat eccentric and definetly a bit bitter. But hey, everyone's gotta be something or other right. Anyways, off I go do to more worthwhile things instead of silly quizzes even if they are fun. Tootles.

So sleepy....

Well here it is Sunday again... And I'm sleepy... I think I was sleepy last Sunday too. But meh. This weekend was much more exciting than the last. Which is good. Much more tiring but more exciting. Very Tiring. But I know how to decorate christmas wreaths now.. and Dave can make bows. I met a few of the habitat people. I don't remember many of their names but I remember a few.
Well that's all I really have to say. Had fun. Need to write an essay. And rescue the cat from Marie. And anything else I will say may incriminate me. :)
Tootles.

Profound turned out to be depressing... sorry.

Well I"d promised something profound, how bout confusion? Will we settle for a confused little girl? And add a little scared to that mix as well. It is scary, its scary that the only thing that used to make you happy just doesn't do it anymore. That you feel so horrible that you can't even enjoy the company of the one you love. That smile that used to make everything in the world alright... it doesn't cut it anymore. Its not right when you feel so bad that you don't feel those warm, happy feelings anymore when you should. You don't get excited to see that one person who always had the ability to make you feel better before, now its gone. And then the confusion, is it cause I don't love them anymore? Is it cause we shouldn't be together, that its just not right anymore or is it just cause I just feel so screwed up. I'm trying to lean to the latter, that I just feel so bad that nothing makes me feel good anymore. So will the fact that I'm so screwed up ruin the most important relationship I've ever had... ? I hope not. I can only pray that it won't. Not losing this relationship is my motive for getting better. And on that note, I'm gonna go take my meds.

Happy December!!

Well let's start December off with a funny story. I know I"ve shared it before in other places but I like it enough to share it again.
The Social Thinker

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then -- to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.
That was when things began to sour at home. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.
I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"
One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job."
This gave me a lot to think about.
I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking ..." "I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"
"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."
"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!"
"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently. She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama.
"I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door. I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared into the parking lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors... They didn't open. The library was closed. To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night.
As I sank to the ground, clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster. Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting.
At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home.
Life just seemed ... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me.

Another day under my belt... even though I'm not wearing a belt...

Well end of another day. Technically only more class left in my week! I must say I'm very happy. I"ll go to class tomorrow morning and then go home and go back to bed. Ah bed.. yes. Hopefully my headache will be gone by then. Its somewhat gone right now. I'm just waiting for Tara to email me her essay on Radiation Therapy. I, the lovely friend that I am, said I"d proof read it for her. No problem. In exchange she has to hang out with me over Christmas break. Why by the way technically begins in only one week! And then its exam time! Joy. Actually I"m not too too worried. Well actually am I am. These will be the first university exams I've written, I sense they'll probably be different than the ones I wrote in high school. Everything's different then in high school, well most thing, and its a good thing. Wasn't so fond of that period of my life.
So my cat seems to think that as soon as my roomate leaves she is allowed on the table. Cause as soon as Marie leaves the apartment Willow is immediately either on the counter or on the table. Its very strange. So I"ve spent most of my evening removing her from the table and counter as well as washing dishes. I hate washing dishes and I hate it even more cause I always wait until the last possible moment (when there are no clean plates left - and we have alot) before I wash them. Luckily, I don't have to wash till next Sunday or Monday. Cause I washed tonight and that means tomorrow will be Marie's day and I won't be here on Friday and Saturday. So that's good. But knowing me I'll wait until Wednesday before I do any.
Which reminds me, I need to wash my jacket tomorrow. So I can have it clean to go away this weekend. I'm so random. I realize I've had many posts but nothing all that intellectual or philisophical.. (or however you spell that) on here... Well maybe tomorrow I"ll think of something terribly profound to share. But until then I'm off. Tootles.

No this is not me up at 2 am.

Unfortunately I lied. I am up at 2am. I can't sleep. But then again, really this is me. I tend to not sleep. And you know its actually starting to get annoying. Not sleeping is just one of the things that's bugging me. Things I shouldn't be getting used to. But I am. Like constantly fearing for my safety. I hate it. I shouldn't have to do that right? I didn't think so. And this constant rejection. From so many people, even my cat is starting to reject me. That can't be a good sign but I"m just taking it now, I figure I might as well get used to it.
Wow I"m depressing. Sorry. I"m gonna go make my cat curl up with me. Good night everyone.

Underwear

Underwear
By Lawrence Ferlinghetti

I didn’t get much sleep last night thinking about underwear
Have you ever stopped to consider underwear in the abstract
When you really dig into it some shocking problems are raised
Underwear is something we all have to deal with
Everyone wears some kind of underwear
Even Indians wear underwear
Even Cubanswear underwear
The Pope wears underwear I hope
The Governor of Louisiana wears underwear
I saw him on TV He must have had tight underwear
He squirmed a lot
Underwear can really get you in a bind
You have seen the underwear ads for men and women
so alike but so different
Women’s underwear holds things up
Men’s underwear holds things down
Underwear is one thing men and women do have in common
Underwear is all we have between us
You have seen the three-color pictures
with crotches encircled to show the areas of extra strength
with three-way stretch promising full freedom of action
Don’t be deceived
It’s all based on the two-party system
which doesn’t allow much freedom of choice
the way things are set up America in its Underwear struggles
thru the night Underwear controls everything
in the end Take foundation garments for instance
They are really fascist forms of underground government
making people believe something
but the truth telling you what you can of can’t do
Did you ever try to get around a girdle
Perhaps Non-Violent Action is the only answer
Did Gandhi wear a girdle?
Did Lady Macbeth wear a girdle?
Was that why Macbeth murdered sleep?
And the spot she was always rubbing
-Was it really her underwear?
Modern anglosaxon ladiesmust have huge guilt complexesalways washing and washing and washingOut damned spot
Underwear with spots very suspicious
Underwear with bulges very shocking
Underwear on clothesline a great flag of freedom
Someone has escaped his Underwear
May be naked somewhereHelp!
But don’t worryEverybody’s still hung up in it
There won’t be no real revolution
And poetry still the underwear of the soul
And underwear still coveringa multitude of faults in the geological sense
-strange sedimentary stones, inscrutable cracks!
If I were you I’d keep aside an oversize pair of winter underwear
Do not go naked into that good night
And in the meantime keep calm and warm and dry
No use stirring ourselves up prematurely ‘over Nothing’
Move forward with dignity hand in vest
Don’t get emotional
And death shall have no dominion
There’s plenty of time my darling
Are we not still young and easy?
Don’t shout.

Weekends, sleep, movies, friends, food and the like

Well its Monday again. How I detest Mondays. My head hurts, I'm tired, I'm hungry, I'm stressed. And its only Monday.
Nothing too exciting to report for the weekend. Mary came over on Friday afternoon. I slept the whole time she was there, or at least I layed in bed. I was too tired and weak to get out of bed. I told her to get food out of the fridge, so I was still a good hostess. Was gonna go see Rent on Friday night Jon and Marie but the hockey game Jon was at went into overtime so we missed the movie, so he and Jeff came over to our place and we watched Second Hand Lions. Pretty good movie. Really enjoyed it. By the time we got rid of Jon it was like 2 so I just went to bed. I slept until 11 on Saturday when I woke up with a collosal fever. Well it wasn't big as much as it was high. But that's too difficult to describe so I'll just take now to be stop talking. Then I went back to bed and slept until 4. Got up when Marie came home from work and we watched Madagascar. Great movie. Hilarious penguins and a neurotic, paranoid, hypocondriac giraffe. Highly recommend it.
Then to satisfy Marie's desire for sugar I made lemon tarts. Bad idea. They took a bit too much energy to make. Could hardly stand up as I neared finishing them. But they turned out quite well. So then I was left at home alone and Marie went to youth group. I slept some more. I don't remember what else happened that night. Perhaps it was something good... but somehow I doubt it.
Sunday meant going to Church, that was nice. Gotta love advent, means christmas music! Then Marie and I went uptown for breakfast at Cora's and then we went window shopping. I found my mother's christmas gift. Proud to say I know what I'm getting everyone but Dave, Tara and Mary, yet I have no gifts yet. But I will soon. Loan money will be here soon.
I slept again when I got home on Sunday - funny how my weekend so far has only consisted of food, sleeping and movies/shopping... but then again what else should or could it consist of... Anyways.. yeah. So I slept then ate and then did some homework - right.. that's what was missing... work. Then I watched Gray's Anatomy. I do enjoy that show. It was a light hearted episode this week, everyone just slept with everyone. Those are always the fun ones.
And to finish off Sunday, Marie discovered how to download music and she decided to enrich my musical knowledge... most of them are still dowloading so I am yet to be enriched but it should be interesting. I think she had a bit too much sugar yesterday cause at 4 oclock she was still at my computer - I was on the couch at this point. But she got an essay written and such. So that's good even if I'll have to listen to her complain she's tired tonight.
So that brings us to today. Skipped my first two classes today. Went to the post office to get my student loan stuff done. Bought a few christmas decorations. Found my dream desk and bookshelf and got payed! Always so enthralling my life. And in case you haven' t noticed that was major sarcasm. But meh, that's what weekends are for. Maybe next weekend will be different but probably not.
Anyways, psych class. Must go. Tootles.

I like good plays

Well... I am very tired. I ran through King's Square earlier to catch the bus home and it took alot out of me. Wow.. I'm so out of shape. However it was okay. Cause I was leaving a really really good play. It was called "Waiting for Godot". It was crazy. Completely random and completely absurb. It was bout these two guys who are waiting for Godot (one of them was my drama teacher in high school and the other a professor I have next semester). Anyways, it was great. It was funny, random, yet completely profound at times. I love plays like that. I love life like that. I love it when things are completely ridiculous yet have this profound and heartfelt meaning that you just have to look a little for. Marie and I sat right in the front row, and it was great. It was a really good play and I'm really glad I went, I almost didn't go but I'm glad I did. I would have regretted it had I not. Mind you I'm really tired now. I probably should work on my book review and report but I think I"ll do that tomorrow night. Its due Friday but its only a 1000 words. That's not too much. I should be able to do that tomorrow. Oh darn.. I've got to read for English as well.. well I'm glad I remembered that now. We have to write an analysis on it on Friday in class. So I HAVE to read it. But now that I"m looking in my book for I can't seem to find it... I hope I didn't miss a class where she passed it out on paper or something... darn... Oh wait I found it... oh darn.. I thought it was shorter than that.. oh well. 75 pages... I can read that in no time right? Right. I thought so. I could probably start working now coudln't I... but I don't want to.. I need to relax first and then I'll work later. Its only 12 I've got lots of time.
My cat has been really crazy lately. I think she's training for a marathon, she keeps running up and down the hallway. Hehe. I went to cross the hall to the kitchen early and nearly got run over by her as she galloped by. Note to self: look both ways before crossing the hall.
I made stew for supper tonight. It took a lot of energy out of me but I did it and it was good. So that made it worth it. I had been hoping it would be enough for a couple meals but no such luck with Marie around. Hehe. No. That's okay. She's gonna make spaghetti squash using the leftover broth tomorrow. Which could be really good. If I'm conscious. I'm sure I will be. Well not completely sure. But I"ll pass out after I wash the dishes Marie! I promise. If I should ever live alone I'll be very happy for the fact that I can keep my place as clean or as messy as I like. And there won't be as many dishes to wash either.
Well I feel horrible so I should probably get to work before I pass out. Good night everyone.

Proud of Me!

So I'm sitting here and I just realized its been almost two months and I'm still doing this whole blog thing! I"m very proud of myself. I think this is something that I will attempt to continue. I enjoy it so maybe you do too. OK. Here is where I scream. My cat spilt a glass of water on my keyboard this afternoon and now my "y" key will not work. However, as you have probably noticed I am still using the "y" its because this wonderful computer has a program called "on-screen keyboard". And that is all I have the patience to say cause it takes too long to constantly click that little "y". Anyways, Hurray for me and my 13 posts!!! YaY!!!

Don't have the energy for a creative title

So its way too late to still be up. But that's for a normal person. I'm not normal. I don't sleep. Oh sleep. I miss thee. However, I think I'll stay up a bit longer to eat some cheese and drink water and make Dave write his essay. Its fun reading over this conversation I sound like I actually know what I"m talking about.
I'm very glad to have my computer back. I've missed it. Alot. Yes. Mostly my music. I got an email about the habitat for humanity build and fundraisers. I'm doomed. I hope next semester's sex.. right.. no that was supposed to be six. Anyways. Hope the 6 (we'll put it in number form) courses go well, especially with all the weekends I'll have to be away. But I don't mind. I need something to keep me on my toes... which reminds me.. I should practice my dance before bed...
I seem to have misplaced my coffee... yes.. my coffee yes.. at 1 in the morning. I know. Maybe I finished it already... but... no... well maybe I did. It was good... okay.. I must have drank it if I can say it was good. I'm just gonna shut up... shut up in typing form.... so that would be changing the subject.
So I went to the dean's dinner with Marie this afternoon. It was really cool. I got to get dressed up, even did my hair and makeup, there was really good food and lots of smart people and a live jazz band! I never knew I liked Jazz. I never knew what Jazz was! But I really like it now. It was alot of fun. Marie had a good time, she just loved that band. Yeah. It was really nice to get out and have fun. I needed it.
My back hurts and I can' t get my eyes to focus... I have an eye appointment on Tuesday. Gonna have to miss french for it... I have another one tomorrow too for new meds. I'm very happy.
Anyways, Gonna go wash my face and floss and brush. Night all.

*sigh*

My stomach is growling, my head is hurting, my fingers are numb, I want to go home and I can't get there and the heat is NOT on.
My articles are finished and all layed out and I want to go home now. However, I cannot. The bus left 9 minutes ago. I would have taken it had my mother not changed her mind about picking me up. So now I am stuck here for another hour and 20 minutes at which point I will pick up my computer and take it on the bus with me to go home. Providing I have not frozen or starved to death by then. Which at the moment seem like likely possibilities. Well that's my rant for now. I supposed I should go see if my numb little fingers and weak body can help anyone with anything. Providing they want my help, its possible no one will want it. Cause I know I wouldn't want it.
Anyways. Tootles

Further Adventures in the life that is Meldoy's

Into its 19th season, Meldoy's life continues to be an adventure. In last night's episode : "Mice aren't Nice", Meldoy decided that there are no longer any surprises.

Damn I hate things that keep going wrong. I am definetly not gonna keep this apartment another year. I don't think I can handle anything else going wrong. The lastest thing is a cute (yeah! Right!) little white mouse. And where is this cute little white mouse? In my hallway light fixture. I heard him last night while watched House - I love that show - Yes. So when you turn on my light there is this little white mouse head glowing all pink and such. Oh... yes... How I love it.
And then to only make matters worse I was awoken at 2 am only to hear more little micies in my kitchen ceiling. Oh I love my life.
So I called the landlord... he's coming to get rid of the one in the light today and to hopefully fix our taps as they still have yet to be fixed.
Well anyways, I still have no computer. I will definetly have it back tomorrow they say.I sure as hell hope so. I need to do some work. Anyways, off I go. I need to do actual work now.
Enjoy your day all. Hope your season is going better than mine.

Weekend Fun

Damn its ridiculously hot in here. I knew I hated this computer lab.

So the weekend is over, its a shame really. I had a good weekend. I went to Fredericton to visit Dave for the weekend. Had lots of fun. Watched a ton of movies, its been a while since I did that, twas fun. Can't remember what have of them were.... actually I can remember all but one and its possible that one is just a figment of my imagination. So my recap on the recent movies I"ve watched immediately follows my saying of what follows. (heh heh)
King Arthur - Good film, Enjoyed it. Had a few funny moments and lots of blood and death which is always good for a movie.
Runaway Jury - I also very much enjoyed this one. I really enjoyed Rachel Weisz. I've never seen her in anything before so that was cool. I now own this one. Was gonna give it to someone for Christmas but decided I want it for myself.
Happy Tree Friends - Oh dear God... kill me now. That damn music. (yes... I'm swearing a lot... - Dave's a bad influence. :)
Constantine - I enjoyed this one as well. Yes. I did. Keanu Reeves, I like him. And it had Rachel Weisz in it as well. Yeah. I didn't think I'd like this one but I did very much.
See... if I go by day here is where I"m pretty sure we watched another one... just don't know what....
A Few Good Men - I really enjoyed this one as well. Military and Law put together make me very happy... maybe I should go into the military.. haha... wouldn't that be interesting...
Good Morning Vietnam - My love for Robin Williams only more from this one. Its amazing how a man can pull off something so funny yet so serious. This one caused me to choke on my chocolate milk hehe.. That was a funny part. Anyways.
From Hell - Well.. the first 10 minutes seemed interesting. Bout as far as I could handle. I'm sure its wonderful, maybe someday I can watch it all.
Office Space - hehe. Loved it. All so true.
Then there was the Beatles cartoon... that was definetly interesting... wow...
Then we watched one.. haha.. darn.. I can't remember the name of it but it had men pretending to ride on horses and oral sex as a form of torture. That's all I need to remember at this point. Very funny movie. Really enjoyed that one.

So my the movies I"ve seen in my lifetime have been doubled since Thursday. Well maybe not doubled but definetly close to it.
I really had a good time. I didn't get a darn bit of homework done but it was good. I needed it.
We went to Chapters. Oh I love that store. I had to hold back from buying anything just cause I couldn't... but next time...
Anyways, I'm gonna die of heat stroke if I don't get out of here so off I go. I'll sure I'll have more to say later when I get my computer fixed.
Tootles all.

Strangeness, music, computers, soreness and such things

Its really strange how I write stuff only when I should be doing work. But then again... no that's not strange. That's normal for me. So the university gave me a computer. I was not impressed to find out that it was no better than what I have now. So I'm gonna sell it to my mother and just keep what I have now. Except I really need Word of some sort on it. I really need something. Wordpad is really getting annoying. So I've discovered a great way to hear new music. The Yahoo! Radio Stations. I'm listening to Rock or so it said. I'm enjoying it actually. But then again I enjoy almost any kind of music, I mean except that annoying stuff. And you know what I mean. Oh we all must admit we hate that annoying stuff... I wish I knew what kind it was too... like the "technical" name.
So I'm going to a yoga class next week. And no I'm not doing it just cause the guy complimented me on my name. I'm doing an article on it for the paper so my "assistant" (hehe) and I are gonna take a class and such. It could be fun. As long as I'm not as sore as I am today. Oh my gosh I knew I"d be sore after dance but not this sore. I can hardly walk. Nice hot bath for me tonight.
I think I'm hungry... I think I'd get out of this chair and go to Tim's if I knew I could get down the stairs. But Mary just got here and told me they are closed already so no use in that.
So winter is definetly here. I feel like hell. But Anyways, its probably time for me to do some work.
Tootles.

November is poppy month, the time of the year when by the wearing of a simple emblem - the red poppy, we honour the memory of those who sacrificed their families, their futures, and their lives so that we might live in a free country.
The Flanders poppy as it is now usually called, grew freely in the trenches and craters of the World War I war zone. Artillery shells and shrapnel stirred up the earth and exposed the seeds to the light so that they would germinate.
Today the poppy is worn on Remembrance Day, the 11th of November. At 11 o’clock on that day, everyone is asked to be silent for just one minute. The silence is a chance to remember all those who have died in wars and to be thankful for those people as well as to be glad that we are not at war today.

11th November 1919The First Two Minute Silence in London:
The first stroke of eleven produced a magical and beautiful effect on London on November 11th 1919.
The tram cars glided into stillness and silence, motors ceased to cough and fume, and stopped silent, and the cart horses hunched back upon their loads and stopped also, seeming to do it of their own free will.
Someone took off his hat, and with a uneasy hesitancy the rest of the men bowed their heads and removed theirs also. Here and there an old soldier could be seen slipping unconsciously into the stance of 'attention'. An elderly woman, not far away, wiped tears from her eyes, and the man beside her looked pale and stern. Everyone stood very still ... The hush intensified. It was widespread over the entire city and become so pronounced as to impress upon one with a sense of almost being able to hear the silence. It was a silence which was almost painful ... And the spirit of memory hovered over it all.

Curse you Monday!

So its Monday. Again. Wow it comes around fast. Its Tuesday and then the next thing you know it its Monday again. But its okay. This is only a short week.
So I've been given the opportunity to go to Toronto in January for a week. But I"m quite torn, its probably not a good idea cause I've got classes... its a school week so I'd miss them all. So yeah. That was easy to decide. No trip to Toronto for me this year. However Dave did just inform me that I can go on the Habitat for Humanity Trip to South Carolina. I'm really really excited about that. Like terribly excited.
Ooooo... I got a computer! A good computer. I was a bit ticked off that I found out AFTER I had just downloaded a bunch of music and just gotten a bunch of junk onto my computer but at friend at work mentioned her husband could install some stuff on it for me and switch everything over for me as well. Which is great. So I'm gonna get a cool new computer and my mother will get one as well - my old one.
So I get to go to visit Dave this weekend. I'm excited about that. I like going on trips. I'm not looking forward to the bus ride cause I get car sick and I'm alone as well but I'll live. Anyways, I'm gonna do some assignments. Tootles.

Oh Damn...

Well tonight sure has been interesting! I feel like I should rename this blog to something about cats. Unfortunately I'm not gonna talk about how great cats are 1:30 in the morning. Instead I"m gonna leave for a second and go find someplace to scream.
Okay. I'm back. Please, find me not very impressed. I've got a cat with fleas and tape worms. Its great. It means that I need to wash every fabricy thing in my house. Buy worm medicine for the cats as well as myself and buy more flea shampoo and flea collars. I have no energy whatsoever to be doing this so its really taking alot out of me. So here I am at 1:30 in the morning. An essay still to write yet I am soaking wet from washing two cats and picking fleas off of them.
So my day tomorrow promises to be very busy and fan-f**cking-tastic.

Cats are AMAZING animals!

My cat continues to amaze me (Not the one who was in heat by the way, my kitty - Willow). I'm pretty sure she adopts my mental state. When I'm down she knows it and so is she. When I cry, she cries. It has gotta be the cutest and most touching thing I have ever seen in my entire short life. She knows exactly what I need when I'm upset. Well she knows that will somewhat make me feel better. She just finished sitting in my lap for half an hour while I just talked and cried to her. Its amazing. Amazingly great. She never does that. She's not the most cuddly cat unless you are feeding her or something so for her to do that without putting up a fight really cufuddles me. She even makes it seem like she's listening. I was talking to her and she'd look at me and tilt her head as if to say " Go on... I'm listening." She even meowed at the proper times. I never believed before that animals could be such a gift from God but I have been converted. I am truly blessed to have such an amazing animal.
I must shift my rant now to crazy things called relationships. You know.. its strange how you can take something from someone close to you and make it all about you. Even when its not you still find someway to get upset over it. Though since this is me writing and of course we are talking about me and I hate to be wrong I must defend myself. I realize that this something is about someone else but somehow I feel like I've failed. I feel like I've let this person down in that they had to deal with this and yet I feel like I've failed those who I've told I would look after this person. You know, Finding Nemo's Marlin said it best. "Its a complicated emotion." And that nice little quotation (as I learned in english is the noun form) can describe anything.
Oh and by the way, if you ever want to know how to ruin a night with someone, begin the conversation and first meeting with: "I'm leaving you." It has remarkable effects on the person you are with.
Anyways, I guess its time for me to go do something... something other than rant about nothing too important...

Cats in heat, shopping and things I should do today...

Well I must first say, Thank God for heat! I just got back from church a couple of hours ago and I've finally gotten myself thawed out. Its so cold in there. I'm listening to some fun music now, thinking that maybe I should clean my room as it is a disaster, as my company last night pointed out. I'm also just realizing that I forgot to remove the tags from my shirt that my aunt gave me. Gotta love aunts who you have never met who like to buy you things to make up for never being in your life.
So one of my cats is in heat right now. I've never been forced to deal with a cat in heat before. Its definetly interesting. She's hilarious really and then sometimes really gross. She's been crawling around the floor with her back end in the air, making strange chirping noises for about 3 days now. She's been trying to make with my other cat several times as well, so I've been trying to keep them somewhat seperated as it is very strange and sort of disgusting to walk in on. It is funny though that the character I named my willow after turns out to be gay and now my cat has been engaging in some same-sex activities. Its very amusing really! Bet you never thought you'd get to read stuff like this here. Well you'll be well prepared should you ever have a couple of cats and one of them happens to be in heat.
I went shopping yesterday. Well I went browsing yesterday, on friday I did some actual shopping, but I mostly bought house stuff to decorate with. I'm actually thinking I"ll start working on my cross-stitching this afternoon, after I clean that is. But anyways, yes. Where was I? Oh yes, shopping. Yes. So I went to the new Micheal's craft store. Its huge! And if I only had a few hundred dollars to spend I"d spend it there. In an instant. Though it has given me a few ideas as it what to get some people. I bought a christmas gift yesterday for someone, but I actually think they already own this thing so I get it. That was my alterior motive yes. I"ll admit it. Well anyways, I think I will go actually clean now. And do all the things I say I will do. I"ll let you know if I actually do any of the things I've said I"d do. Tootles for now.

Cute kitties!!!

Its Thursday noon. I rushed into school today cause I missed the earlier bus and it turned out my class was cancelled. I was not impressed so I'm killing three hours before my next class. I could have slept in, but I supposed this is my chance to get some work done, like that essay that was due almost a week ago. However, here I am writing. And I've only just gotten here. Out of my three hours to kill I hung out with a girl from one of my classes, we talked about writing and everything under the sun. She's really cool. However, I did no get work done. But that's okay. I was being sociable something I"ve noticed I don't do often enough. Its strange. I complain that I have no social life and then when the opportunity arises to do something socially I turn it down. Yes. I am strange. I know it.
I have an appointment with my psychiatrist today. Oh joy. Yeah. I really hate those appointments especially where I get to tell her that whatever she is doing is not helping but I'm sure she hears that often. Or at least I hope she does.
It was really great to talk to someone about writing. Its cool to know that I'm not the only one who writes their best stuff during classes. I've found the coolest website. Its called "Cats in Sinks: for all your cat and bathroom needs." I love it! Its got some of the cutest pictures. And its so true, what exactly is it about cats in sinks? I mean, I've always heard that cats hate water, right? But mine seem to love it and head straight for the sinks cause that's where it is. I supposed it just makes a really good bed. Maybe I should try it sometime. Maybe be surprised how comfortable they actually are. Speaking of cats, mine were wild last night. They both discovered how to get up on the fridge and proceeded to do so all night long, up, down, up, down. Knocking many things down in the process. Then Kakis discovered the fridge magnets and proceeded to knock them off, play with it until she lost it and then get another one. Willow meanwhile ate my column that I had written for the Baron this week and then threw it up on my floor. Oh I do love them. Yes I do.
Well off I go to write on Gone with the Wind (which was by the way, a pretty good film, except for its historical inacuracies).

My First Post

Well, I figured it was time I actually put a post on here. I"ve been working on getting my profile done and such and have yet to actually write something. So here I am, writing something. I thought that this would be a cool way for me to establish better writing talents and just a good way to vent. So I hope it works. Maybe someday you'll look forward to coming in here and seeing what I"ve written for the day. Maybe I"ll keep you amused. We'll see really. I personally am really looking forward to this, I kinda hope it'll be as fun as I hope it will. You know, writing is a fun thing. I mean, we write for sooo many things. We write for school (though we often hate it), we write for fun (like what I'm doing now) and we writing comes in so many forms. It can be informal (like msn) or formal (like a business proposal or something or other). Its amazing how one thing can be so useful and how we often hate it like when we have to write an essay or something but then we just go home and write anyways. It's strange you know.
So I guess that's what I have to say about writing. Now about my writing, I don't know if I hav an actual writing style, I mean. I'm sure I do have my own unique style of writing but I don't know what it is, perhaps you'll be able to tell after you've read a bit. I like to write about real things, I like to talk about my day and my adventures cause a day in the life of me is always an adventure. But then I also like to get philosophical and just think. I think thinking is a good thing, until it hurts that is. I probably won't make sense alot of the time. I tend not to but I think you'll not mind it too much. Sometimes I may share things I've written like poems or parts of stories. I like my stories. And my poems. Most of the time. Maybe you will too.
Well anyways, My wrists are starting to hurt like that lady on the aspirin commercial... "My wrists are on fire..." Anyways... so off I go for now.