2005

Well its the end of a year. Again. Seems to pass so fast. Though I have no problem starting a new year. I'm not old enough to feel really old when that happens so its okay. However, I can't help but think when it comes time for a new year. And think about making all those resolutions and such.
My new calender for January says "Its a new year, time to stand up for yourself and beg for respect". Makes me wonder if I have respect from people. Has 2005 been a year where I have deserved respect from people? I can think back on the year and maybe I've done a few good things. Maybe I've somewhat conquered a few things but I really don't think I deserve respect. I lie. I make people think I'm better than I really am. I make them think I'm healthy and am looking after myself when I'm really not. I lie to loved ones too much. I fake whole relationships it seems. I often don't even know if I'm lying sometimes. So that makes me deserve no respect at all.
I ruin things. I have this innate ablity to ruin things. I not only ruin actually material things but I ruin relationships. My own and those of others. I am selfish and pathetic when it comes to my own relationships. I abandon close friends and expect way too much of the ones I have. I don't give back nearly as much as I expect either.
I hate myself. I hate everything about myself. I hate what others say they love and no matter how much others might love me ( and I don't see how its done) I can't love myself. I do everything possible to make myself better or what I think should be better. What I want is unreachable and not needed.
I procratinate. I put important things off, like school or work. And don't succeede to what I know I'm capable of because of it. I whine and I complain. I don't like stress and I don't like emotional pain. And I don't deal well with it. I'm a whimp. I"m afraid of my own self. I"m afraid of my unconscious and what lies therein. I'm afraid of things that happened years ago. I beat myself up over things over which I have no control. I blame myself for things that I know I didn't bring on.
I hate my father. For things I should be able to get over. And I'm not too fond of my brother. I play favorites with siblings. I get hurt by one person and hate the whole lot. I have no respect for law enforcement officers or politicians and often religious leaders. I go to church cause I know my mother, and best friends would be angry if I didn't. I pray because friends make me. I'm bitter and angry.
I fear the dark, being alone and being in crowds. I hate any sort of unorganized noise. I often don't control my actions and do things without thinking. I want to be able to drink alcohol. I overdose on medications too often. I am dependent on friends yet don't want anyone telling me what to do or how to do it. I need things to be tidy. I annoying tidy things without even knowing I'm doing it. I tidy other people's homes. I need things to be perfect. I feel I need to be perfect. And I know I never will be.
So this has officially been my "no one will ever want to be with me forever and those who do are just as crazy as I am" post. Yeah. I started out as a what has changed this year post and I sit back now and think...nothing. Sure maybe I"m not as lonely as I was last year and maybe I"m living on my own now and can control my life more but I'm not different than I ever was. I'm still a suicidal anorexic perfectionist who doesn't deserve any respect or any love.

Merry New Year!

\Well its been a few days. Its after Christmas! Hope everyone had a great christmas!
Mine was definetly interesting. Filled with fighting family members. Mostly that's the only thing that was interesting. I like rum and eggnog. A little too much I think.
Anyways, it was okay. I really miss Marie. So does Willow. Marie left a message and I played it on speakerphone and Willow went crazy trying to find her. It was really cute.
So Christmas was good. I got to see Dave lots, well maybe not lots but enough. I blame my new aquired swearing to him. We went to see Fun with Dick and Jane last night, with Mary too. It was great. I think I laughed at parts that weren't even funny but that's okay right? I thought so too.
And I got to see Mary lots too. Which was great. Cause I haven't seen her much lately. So seeing her was really good. I have yet to see Tara but there are plans for tomorrow. And I have yet to see Vanessa. But I am just about to call her and make those plans. I saw plenty of my family. Its sad that those are the only people there are for me to see over christmas. Yep. I'm pathetic. I have 4 friends. Well 5 counting Marie... who's not here... sniff...
Maybe not being here next year isn't a good idea... we'll see.
So going to dinner with the family tonight. Should be interesting. Alex is spending the night tonight. That will be fun. I love my little brother. And then tomorrow morning we're getting family pictures taken. That will be horrible.
I got my bookshelf for christmas. Quite happy. And enough money for an mp3 player. I"ve been doing much travelling between here and Fredericton so I figure it would be cool to have music... I like music. As well I want music for other large travelling I do. Not going to Toronto though. Which sucks. Cause I really wanted to go. But I suppose I couldn't have handled the amount of catching up I would have had to do. Anyways, I suppose I should go call Vanessa and get ready for dinner.
Later.

Post - getting marks back rant

Well Marks are in! And I'm somewhat okay with them. Well yeah. Well not all my marks are in but three of the four are. I don't get a mark for english this semester so I'm okay. I got a B+ in psyc. And a B in French (that one could be better but next semester it will be). As well as a C+ in Astronomy and Physics!!! wOot!! Somehow I passed the exam. Somehow... I have no idea. Anyways, that's all for now. My Merry Christmas post will come later.

Post-exam rant

Well exams are done. If I had the energy and gumption I probably would jump up and down but I'm too tired for that. Marks aren't in yet. Should be in the next few days though, I'm not sure I want to see them though and I may just wait till after christmas to check that them but who am I trying to kid. I"ll be checking on a regular basis, cause I want to know how I did. And then I"ll be able to properly either congratulate myself or beat myself up over how I did.
Marie and I had our christmas last night. It was really cool. She got me things to do with bedroom with. Which is great, so I'm gonna take a few days to get my room all snazzied up and such. I'm hoping to do it in purples and blues. All sorts of shades. So I need a picture or two and actually Dave had mentioned a cool idea today so I'm gonna try to find blue and purple frames and do some cool thing over my bed. And I think I"ll try and find a purple and blue pillow too. Yep. I'm really excited. I found my lava lamp and put it out. And I got some pretty candle holders from Marie too. Not sure where I"m gonna put those but I"ll find a cool place. I have a few ideas.
I think I should get something to eat. Its 11:30 and I only had some chicken nuggets and fries today... well.... yeah. Okay. Getting food.
Okay. So I am paranoid. Marie left for Alberta (her home) this afternoon and she's gone for three weeks. I'm really really happy for her. However, I've never been alone for 3 weeks. And yeah, I know it really isn't that big of a deal but for some who is as much of a wimp as I am. It is a big deal. So I've been hearing things and somehow the cat keeps getting into Marie's room (the door is closed) and she keeps closing the door behind her and then there is alot of noise cause she can't get out and then I freak out cause I think someone is in the apartment... oh its a sad life that I lead.
So I almost completely finished up christmas shopping today. Dave took me out shopping, mostly for Mary, and Tara too. So now I have a super great gift for Tara! and hopefully something that Mary will think is super too.
Its been a really long time since I've had toast with peanut butter and honey. I think that's what I"ll be living on for the next little while. So I called the cable company today to ask if I could order cable for a month but you can't.Which kind of makes me mad... but whatever. I can live with 3 channels... I"m just waiting for the news to be on and then there is bound to be something on.. not sure if it will be something I want to watch but there'll be something on. I'm gonna pick up a few movies tomorrow.
See now I'm worried that the christmas tree is gonna catch fire... *sigh...*... oh dear...
I'm gonna make a major donation of clothing to the Salvation Army tomorrow. I cleaned out my drawers and tried on clothes that I hadn't worn in a while... I'm saying they shrunk even though I know I've gained weight but let's not ruin a good blog.. Anyways... yeah. So lots of clothes to get rid of. I found a few pairs of old jeans, they're a bit small but by the Habitat trip they'll fit again and they'll be good to take with. Also found some clothes that don't even belong to me... I'm really not sure who's they are... .... I definetly wasn't wearing them... anyways.. that's beside the point.
So I've begun making New Year's resolutions already. Silly ones but making them anyways. Gonna start them now, that way maybe by the time new years comes along they'll actually be a bit of a habit and will last more than a day.
I really need to pick up a few groceries. Not enough for me to live on here for 3 weeks... I love how I can hear my neighbor's having showers. Its great fun. I do love that lava lamp. It gives the room a nice blue glow.
Anyways, I think I'm gonna end this here. I'm sure I've got more to say but I'll do that later. I'll have lots of time.
Night.

Christmas tree!!

I have only one exam left!! Wootwoot! I'm quite happy.
So yesterday's wasn't nearly as bad as I was expecting, I actually think I did quite well on it. Which is really nice, I could use a good mark in that class. I bought a christmas tree yesterday. Which is really fun. Except that its sitting in a bucket in my living room and we can't figure out how to get it to stand up. So, I'm off to Canadian Tire in a few minutes to buy a stand. And a saw. So I can saw the end off. So it doesn't die christmas day. And then tonight Marie and I are gonna decorate it. Which is even more fun. Oh right, that all reminds me that I need to make pasta salad for the christmas party tonight. Anyways, now I"ll remember.
So last night when I couldn't sleep I saw and heard something that is really bothering me. And I don't think it should as much it does. I don't think its my job to really care about it. Sometimes I really wish I was a bit more apathetic. Cause it would come in handy.
I'm also a bit ticked off that I can't find my best friend a christmas gift... and that I have no clue what to get her. That's ridiculous. Anyways, too tired to beat myself up over crazy things. I need to go catch the bus so I can get my tree stand and my saw.
Till Later.

Failing, Snow, sick, taking on too much etc...

sigh*. I now know what its like to fail an exam and a class. Wow... I don't think I like the failing feeling. Luckily I think I can push it out of my mind until my other exams are done and then I can go hide in a corner and cry about it. However, failing this class means I've failed my science requirement and therefore need to take another science class. That is not so good. Not that really any of this is good. However I won't take it next semester, I'll wait and fill that requirement over the summer or next year. My mother can so not find out about this. I can only imagine the hell and the possible suicide that would ensue should she find out. Oh it would not be good.
So here I am sitting here with my hot clam chowder (surprisingly from the cafeteria), I'm cold, quite depressed really and very very tired and sick. I'd really like to go home, take a few too many meds and sleep for the rest of the day, however I must stay here so I can go to my Doctor's appt at 1. Which is in an hour, so that's not so bad.The chowder is hot so I'll be eating it for an hour I'm sure. Its a good day to see a doctor. Yeah. Cause I'm sick and quite down.
My professor just sent my astronomy class an email, wishing us a Merry Christmas and thanking us for taking the class. I want to reply and say that I didn't fail the class cause I hated it but that would be a lie. So I suppose I shouldn't.
So its snowing again... or maybe that's just previous snow blowing around. Either way there is snow on the ground. And its very cold out. I decided after I nearly froze my ears off the morning that I need to buy a hat. I hate hats though. I look ridiculous in them. But I suppose I'd also look ridiculous without ears. So Christmas is only 11 (?) days away. I think I'm gonna get my christmas tree tomorrow or maybe even today. Maybe today, except its awfully cold to be traipsing through the woods for a tree to chop down, put in a bucket and leave to die in my house. However if I get it tomorrow, neither Marie nor I will have time to decorate it until friday night and that would be horrible (only cause I'm so impatient). Ahh... life's little dillemas.
Why only give me two crackers with my soup? Do people honestly expect people to only eat two crackers with their soup? What about the people who eat soup with their crackers? What about them? Was has become of our food service industry....? - That was my rant of the day.
\So Marie leaves for her home next Tuesday and the days that ensue will prove my incapability to be alone for long periods of time. But I will have my cat and cats are very good company, especially my cat. Who by the way has one 12 kitten wars so far... she has however also lost.. not sure how that happened, must be a miscalculation family:arial;color:#3366ff;">http://kittenwar.com/kittens/41500/
So I think it might be a bad idea to have 6 courses next semester - however my thinking that's a bad idea and my doing something about it are two different things. But I am very excited about starting new classes. Especially my classics course and my linguistics one. Intro to logic sounds like it'll be pretty cool too.
Well I should get going. Finish my soup and go to the doctor. Tootles.

This is me not studying...

What Peanuts Character are you? - I mean, how could I resist...

You scored as Linus. You are the cute boy with the blankie. you are unique and a good friend. you are slightly insecure and very stubborn sometimes. when you get to be 18 it's time to give up the blankie, okay? Linus 100% Woodstock 88% Charlie Brown 63% Lucy 63% Snoopy 38% What " quizfarm.com http:> created with QuizFarm.com

Okay... back to studying... or should I say start studying... *sigh...*

Signs your cat has a personality disorder

Signs your cat has a personality disorder
16. Couldn't muster up sufficient disdain if all nine lives depended on it!
15. You've repeatedly found him in the closed garage, hunched over the wheel of your running Buick.
14. Sits for hours in fascination while listening to Bob Dole.
13. Teeth and claw marks all over your now-empty bottles of Prozac.
12. No longer licks paws clean, but washes them at the sink again and again and again...
11. Continually scratches on the door to get in... the OVEN door.
10. Doesn't get Garfield, but laughs like hell at Marmaduke.
9. Rides in your car with its head out the window.
8. She's a dues-paid, card-carrying member of the Reform Party.
7. You realize one day that the urine stains on the carpet actually form the letters N-E-E-D T-H-E-R-A-P-Y.
6. Has built a shrine to Andrew Lloyd Webber entirely out of empty "9 Lives" cans.
5. Spends all day in litterbox separating the green chlorophyll granules from the plain white ones.
4. After years of NPR, Tabby is suddenly a Ditto-Puss.
3. Sullen and overweight, your sunglass-wearing cat shoots the TV with a .45 Magnum when it sees cartoon depictions of stupid or lazy felines.
2. Your stereo is missing, and in the corner you find a pawn ticket and 2 kilos of catnip.
and the Number 1 Sign Your Cat has a Personality Disorder...
1. Makes an attempt on "First Cat" Sock's life in a pathetic attempt to impress Jodie Foster.

That's my funny for the day. I'm all out. Now officially serious for the rest of the day.
Anyways, gotta go get ready for the party. Tootles.

What Beatles Song Am I?

Jude
You scored 41 shyness, 13 bitterness, 57 moral, and 24 eccentric! Hey Jude! You are the average Joe/Jane, a decent person striving to make their place in the world. Full of hopes and dreams, but one of the things you want most is that special person to spend your life with. Don't despair if you can't seem to find them - you're a prize! "And anytime you feel the pain, hey Jude, refrain, Don't carry the world upon your shoulders. For well you know that it's a fool who plays it cool By making his world a little colder." - 'Hey Jude' I don't really think that's all true but anyways. I'm sure am I shy and somewhat eccentric and definetly a bit bitter. But hey, everyone's gotta be something or other right. Anyways, off I go do to more worthwhile things instead of silly quizzes even if they are fun. Tootles.

So sleepy....

Well here it is Sunday again... And I'm sleepy... I think I was sleepy last Sunday too. But meh. This weekend was much more exciting than the last. Which is good. Much more tiring but more exciting. Very Tiring. But I know how to decorate christmas wreaths now.. and Dave can make bows. I met a few of the habitat people. I don't remember many of their names but I remember a few.
Well that's all I really have to say. Had fun. Need to write an essay. And rescue the cat from Marie. And anything else I will say may incriminate me. :)
Tootles.

Profound turned out to be depressing... sorry.

Well I"d promised something profound, how bout confusion? Will we settle for a confused little girl? And add a little scared to that mix as well. It is scary, its scary that the only thing that used to make you happy just doesn't do it anymore. That you feel so horrible that you can't even enjoy the company of the one you love. That smile that used to make everything in the world alright... it doesn't cut it anymore. Its not right when you feel so bad that you don't feel those warm, happy feelings anymore when you should. You don't get excited to see that one person who always had the ability to make you feel better before, now its gone. And then the confusion, is it cause I don't love them anymore? Is it cause we shouldn't be together, that its just not right anymore or is it just cause I just feel so screwed up. I'm trying to lean to the latter, that I just feel so bad that nothing makes me feel good anymore. So will the fact that I'm so screwed up ruin the most important relationship I've ever had... ? I hope not. I can only pray that it won't. Not losing this relationship is my motive for getting better. And on that note, I'm gonna go take my meds.

Happy December!!

Well let's start December off with a funny story. I know I"ve shared it before in other places but I like it enough to share it again.
The Social Thinker

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then -- to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.
That was when things began to sour at home. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.
I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"
One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job."
This gave me a lot to think about.
I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking ..." "I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"
"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."
"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!"
"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently. She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama.
"I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door. I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared into the parking lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors... They didn't open. The library was closed. To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night.
As I sank to the ground, clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster. Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting.
At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home.
Life just seemed ... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me.