2005

Well its the end of a year. Again. Seems to pass so fast. Though I have no problem starting a new year. I'm not old enough to feel really old when that happens so its okay. However, I can't help but think when it comes time for a new year. And think about making all those resolutions and such.
My new calender for January says "Its a new year, time to stand up for yourself and beg for respect". Makes me wonder if I have respect from people. Has 2005 been a year where I have deserved respect from people? I can think back on the year and maybe I've done a few good things. Maybe I've somewhat conquered a few things but I really don't think I deserve respect. I lie. I make people think I'm better than I really am. I make them think I'm healthy and am looking after myself when I'm really not. I lie to loved ones too much. I fake whole relationships it seems. I often don't even know if I'm lying sometimes. So that makes me deserve no respect at all.
I ruin things. I have this innate ablity to ruin things. I not only ruin actually material things but I ruin relationships. My own and those of others. I am selfish and pathetic when it comes to my own relationships. I abandon close friends and expect way too much of the ones I have. I don't give back nearly as much as I expect either.
I hate myself. I hate everything about myself. I hate what others say they love and no matter how much others might love me ( and I don't see how its done) I can't love myself. I do everything possible to make myself better or what I think should be better. What I want is unreachable and not needed.
I procratinate. I put important things off, like school or work. And don't succeede to what I know I'm capable of because of it. I whine and I complain. I don't like stress and I don't like emotional pain. And I don't deal well with it. I'm a whimp. I"m afraid of my own self. I"m afraid of my unconscious and what lies therein. I'm afraid of things that happened years ago. I beat myself up over things over which I have no control. I blame myself for things that I know I didn't bring on.
I hate my father. For things I should be able to get over. And I'm not too fond of my brother. I play favorites with siblings. I get hurt by one person and hate the whole lot. I have no respect for law enforcement officers or politicians and often religious leaders. I go to church cause I know my mother, and best friends would be angry if I didn't. I pray because friends make me. I'm bitter and angry.
I fear the dark, being alone and being in crowds. I hate any sort of unorganized noise. I often don't control my actions and do things without thinking. I want to be able to drink alcohol. I overdose on medications too often. I am dependent on friends yet don't want anyone telling me what to do or how to do it. I need things to be tidy. I annoying tidy things without even knowing I'm doing it. I tidy other people's homes. I need things to be perfect. I feel I need to be perfect. And I know I never will be.
So this has officially been my "no one will ever want to be with me forever and those who do are just as crazy as I am" post. Yeah. I started out as a what has changed this year post and I sit back now and think...nothing. Sure maybe I"m not as lonely as I was last year and maybe I"m living on my own now and can control my life more but I'm not different than I ever was. I'm still a suicidal anorexic perfectionist who doesn't deserve any respect or any love.