Roomates Beware! Part 5

Before I get back to my studying and my essay writing I must post more of "How to annoy your Roomate" and let you know that I go away in only 5 sleeps!!!! Well I leave the city in 5, I leave the country in 6!!!! EEEEeeeee!!!!! :)
Anyways, and now back to our regularly scheduled program.

Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door.

Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.

Whenever your roommate is walking through the room, bump into him/her.

Stare at your roommate for five minutes out of every hour. Don’t say anything, just stare.

Tell your roommate that someone called and said that it was really important but you can’t remember who it was.

Let mice loose in his/her room.

Give each of your walls a different name. Whenever you can’t answer a problem, ask each of your walls. Write down their responses, then ask your ceiling for the final answer. Complain to your roommate that you don’t trust your ceiling.

Take your roommate’s papers and hand them in as your own.

Skip to the bathroom.

Take all of your roommate’s furniture and build a fort. Guard the fort for an entire weekend.

Gather up a garbage bag full of leaves and throw them in a pile in his/her room. Jump in them. Comment about the beautiful foiliage.

When you walk into your room, turn off your lights. Turn them on when you leave.

Whenever you’re on the phone and he/she walks in, hang up immediately without saying anything and crawl under your desk. Sit there for two minutes than call whoever it was back.

Insist on writing the entire lyrics to American Pie on your ceiling above your bed. Sing them every night before you go to bed.

Eat moths.

Buy Sea Monkeys and grow them. Name one after your roommate. Announce the next day that that one died. Name another one after your roommate. The next day say that it died. Keep this up until they all die.

Collect Chia-Pets. Many of them.

Refuse to communicate in anything but sign language.

Eat a bag of marshmellows before you go to bed. The next day, spray three bottles of whip cream all over your floor. Say you got sick.

Wipe deoderant all over your roommate’s walls.

If you know that he/she is in the room, come barging in out of breath. Ask if they saw a fat bald naked Tibetan man run through carrying a hundred dollar bill. Run back out swearing.

Leave apple cores on his/her bed.

Don’t ever flush.

A little something to feed your cat addiction

Signs your cat may be trying to kill you.....

* Seems awfully chummy with the dog all of the sudden.
* He actually does have your tongue.
* Cyanide pawprints all over the house.
* As the wind blows over the grassy knoll in Dallas, you get a faint whiff of catnip.
* Droppings in the litter box spell out "REDRUM".
* Takes attentive notes whenever "Itchy and Scratchy" are on.
* Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper.
* Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman's noose.
* Now sharpens claws on your brakelines.

Signs that your Cat is too Fat......

* Cat door retro-fitted with garage door opener.
* Confused guests always mistaking him for beanbag chair.
* Always lands on his spleen.
* Fifteen months gestation and still no kittens.
* No longer cleans himself unless coated in cheez whiz.
* Luxurious shiny black coat replaced with mint green polyester pantsuit.
* No longer safe to pick him up without a spotter.
* Waits for the third bowl of food to get finicky.
* He only catches the mice that get caught in his gravitational pull.
* Has more chins than lives.

Indications That Cats are the Evolutionary Descendants of Dragons......

1. Ability to invoke fear with minor changes of facial expression.
2. Really wicked breath.
3. Enjoys toying with mortals.
4. They are constantly offered gifts in order to appease their wrath.
5. They have the ability to gain total control over the humans in their territory.
6. Claws that can decimate the toughest armor (or upholstery).
7. Affinity for high perches from which it can survey all that it controls.
8. The size of its ego is consistent with that of its evolutionary forebearers.
9. Habit of playing with food.
10. Ability to monitor its territory while seemingly asleep.

Cat Resolutions......

1. I will not flush the toilet when my human is in the shower.
2. As fast as I am, I must remember that I cannot outrun closed doors.
3. I will not lean over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then run screaming into the box of clumping cat litter.
4. I will not back up and fall off of the porch just as my human is telling her friend how graceful I am.
5. I will not bite my human on the butt when she is sitting on the big white drinking bowl.
6. I will not complain that my butt is wet and that I am thirsy after sitting in my water dish.
7. I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I shall not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.
8. When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not necessary to check every door.
9. I will not swat at my human's head repeatedly when she is in the living room trying to do sit ups.
10. I will not eat spider plants and hallucinate behind the toilet.
11. I will not drag the magnets off of the refrigerator and then bat them underneath it so they adhere to the underside.
12. I will not intrude on my human's candle-lit bubble bath and singe my butt.
13. I will no longer attempt to read my human's book or newspaper by sitting my butt down on it. I will no never grow eyes there no matter how hard I try.
14. If I sit in the sink when my human brushes her teeth, I will not get angry when she spits toothpaste on me.
15. If I MUST claw my human. I will not do it in such a way that the scars resemble a botched suicide attempt.

THINGS CATS MUST TRY TO REMEMBER.....

1. Screaming at the can of tuna will not make it open itself.
2. I should not assume that the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.
3. If I put a live mouse in my food dish, I should not expect it to stay there until I get hungry.
4. The guinea pig likes to sleep once in awhile....I will not watch it constantly.
5. If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
6. Television and computer screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.
7. The canned food is already dead. I do not need to kill it by swatting it all over the kitchen floor.
8. I am a carnivore. Potted plants are not meat.
9. I will never be able to walk on the ceiling and staring up the wall and screaming at it will not bring it any closer.
10. The goldfish likes living in water and must be allowed to remain in it's bowl.
11. If my human wants to share her sandwich with me she will give me a piece. She will notice if I start eating it from the other end.
12. The large dog in the backyard has lived there for six years. I will not freak out everytime I see it.

If Missisippi lends Missouri her New Jersey, then what will Delaware?
Idaho Alaska.

Blue blue world...

Can people sense when I'm down and that it would be a great time to do something to hurt me more....? Yes.. the answer to that is yes... unless they just have really rotten timing.
So I spent most of the afternoon and evening in the hospital with my grandfather. He seems to be doing better. Though we still don't know what's wrong with him, his white blood count was 20 on Monday and last night it was 65. No heart attack, which is good. Though there is a nasty infection somewhere and they are also thinking pneumomia ( or however you spell that). So he's gonna be in there for awhile or so it seems to be looking like. Which is better than sending him home when he's not healthy or the alternative.
On my earlier question... I think its just that when I'm down things affect me more... not taking the meds lately also makes a big difference... I think I'm going through some withdrawal too... don't ask why I haven't been taking them... cause I'm really not sure... think I'm just stubborn... I start to feel better and think that I can go without them. Days like today prove me wrong... very very wrong.
So I was supposed to be going to the musical tomorrow night... don't know if I will now. Mary cancelled on me... and I'm not sure I want to go alone... though that's a waste of 15 bucks... but I'll see how I'm feeling tomorrow... maybe it would be a good pick me up.
Anyways... nothing too exciting to say... if I say much more my horrible mood will wear off on all of you. So I'm just gonna go do something to alleviate the big black cloud of despair that seems to have engulfed me.
Later

Roomates Beware! Part 4

Always flush the toilet three times.

Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.

Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic’s “Pennsylvania Polka,” and play it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it’s an assignment for your primitive cultures class.

Give him/her an allowance.

Listen to radio static.

Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up.

Cry a lot - Sorry Marie!!

Send secret admirer notes on your roommate’s email.

Clip your fingernails and toenails and keep them in a baggie. Leave the baggie near your computer and snack from it while studying. If he/she walks by, grab the bag close and eye him/her suspiciously.

Paste used kleenexes to his/her walls.

Whenever your roomate comes in from the shower, lower your eyes and giggle to yourself.

If you get in before your roomate, go to sleep in his/her bed.

Whenever you go to sleep, start jumping on your bed. Do so for a while, then jump really high and act like you hit your head on the ceiling. Crumple onto your bed and fake like you were knocked out. Use this method to fall asleep every night for a month.

If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change the locks.

Whenever his/her parents call and ask for your roommate, breathe into the phone for 5 seconds then hang up.

Whenever he/she goes to shower, drop whatever you’re doing, grab a towel, and go shower too.

Find out your roommate’s post office box code. Open it and take his/her mail. Do this for one month. After that, send the mail to him/her by UPS.

Collect all of your pencil shavings and sprinkle them on the floor.

Create an imaginary cat for a pet. Talk to it every night, act like you’re holding it, keep a litter box under your desk. After two weeks, say that your cat is missing. Put up signs in your dorm, blame your roommate.

Call safety & security whenever your roommate turns up his/her music.

Follow him/her around on weekends.

Sit on the floor and talk to the wall.

I swear.. I'm not as think as you drunk I am!

No. I'm not drunk. Just wanted to say that. Always have wanted to say that. I don't get drunk.
I just realized its been a really long time since I posted anything. I'm still alive! Though my arm does really really hurt. Its a long story. I'll share later! Till then!

Happy early Valentine's day!

So it finally snowed!! Yay. I guess we almost got a foot, which is quite nice. Marie and I gave ourselves snow days today. Which was fun annnnd we got flowers! I mean really, how much better could a day get? But it does! Then we got groceries, though not much fun to do and to pay for we did enjoy getting out and we bought a crazy carpet! We're gonna try it out tomorrow. Marie says she's gonna go down the hill behind our house, where the bus stop is... she thinks she can land in the parking lot.. um... there are several cliffs in between and a set of train tracks.. but whatever... she'll figure it out. Thought if it does work, I know how I'll be getting myself down there next time I take the bus, which by the way is in 18 days! Okay. So I'll admit I'm excited about the habitat trip. I had a bake sale for it last week and made almost a hundred dollars. Its nice to know I"ve helped with the fundraising a bit now.
So tomorrow if Valentine's day, if I actually had something to do I couldn't, seeing as I have class tomorrow night. Which is kinda crappy, however I've convinced Marie and Mary Rose to have a movie night tomorrow night with me. Yep. I'm crazy, I"m gonna practically stay up all night before two tests, but that's okay. I can do it. I'm very capable. My littler brother is staying the night on Friday night. We're gonna go to a hockey game (hopefully with Joanna). Its the UNB cheap night so tickets are a good price.
Anyways, supper is ready and I need to do some studying. Hope everyone has a splendid valentine's day! Later!

Roomates Beware Part 3!

Smile. All the time.

Burn all your waste paper while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.

Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you.

Leave a declaration of war on your roommate’s desk. Include a list of grievances.

Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and then look away quickly.

Dye all your underwear lime green.

Buy three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.

Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate’s closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it.

Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate’s parents (postage due).

Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up. Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks.

Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse to discuss them.

Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.

Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with “Didja ever wonder why....” Be creative.

Shave one eyebrow.

Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments, mutter “Gotta save space,” twenty times while twitching violently.

Put horseradish in your shoes.

Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want.

I could have sworn I'd posted another post between this one and the last... in fact I know I did. That's strange.... its there... but not showing on my manage posts section... anyways. I did post something else. That's beside the point however. I'm sick right now. Quite sick actually. Not impressed. I had fun Saturday night, had good supper, watched Red Eye, had some good fun and played cards. All was good until the cold really hit me. But that's okay. I got to see Dave and Tara and Mary all in the same place. That's been a while. I had fun, hope everyone else did and that I didn't get anyone sick with my cooking or my cold. But now I must go to bed, need to get better and I have to go to school in the morning. But first, Jennifer Knapp lyrics and my apology to anyone I"ve ever ticked off, any promises I"ve ever broken, things I've said that hurt. Just feel like I've taken advantage of some good friends and have done things I shouldn't have and they're way too precious and too few to let my stupidity and selfishness mess things up. I also just like this song. Anyways, night all.

Papa, I think I messed up again

Was it something I did?

Was it something I said?

I don't mean to do You wrong

It's just the way of human nature

Sister, I know I let you down

I can tell by the fact that you're never comin' 'round

You don't have to say a thingI can tell by your eyes exactly what you mean

That it's Time to get down on my knees and pray

"Lord, undo me!"

Put away my flesh and bone 'til you ownThis spirit through me

Lord, undo me

Momma, I know I made you cry

But I never meant to hurt you

No, I never meant to lie

While the world shook it's head in shame

I let you take the blame

Brother, I know you labored So hard to please

But I cut you down and I left youOn your knees

Well, I know it must be

I am wanting, needing, guilty & greedy

Unrighteous, unholy, undo me, undo me

Abba, you must wonder why

More times than Peter I have denied

Three nails and a cross to prove

I owe my life eternally to you

Some things just aren't meant to be...

I've taken too many things for granted. I've just assumed that good things would stay good. But they don't you know. Some things just don't work, life just doesn't work that way. The things and people you've always assumed will be there for you when you fall... one day, you turn around and they're gone and it's like they never where there, there's just this emptiness that you know used to be filled by something but you don't know what it is or was. And relationships that you always thought would run so smoothly and would never give you any trouble, just stop being right all of a sudden and everything you've held on to, everything you've loved, everything you've held dearly just washes out with the tides. And you stand there on that shore, watching it go and in your heart you know you should be doing something to stop it but you're so numb inside and so tired of hurting that you just can't. All you can do is stand there, tears flowing, thinking about what you've done wrong and how you could have changed things. And it's never anyone else's faults. It's always your own. Even if it was someone else's, you'd still blame yourself. And now you've got this chance to do something... and you stand there. You don't say anything. You don't even scream or beg for forgiveness, you cry. And alot of good crying does. It just makes your eyes and head hurt and you just look horrible in the morning. It doesn't solve anything, doesn't bring anyone back to you. Doesn't make the scarey and sad things stop. It does nothing. And even though you know this, you'll still crawl into your bed, bury your head into your pillow and cry yourself to sleep.

Roomates beware! Part 2

!In a continuation from last episode...!

Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.

Twitch a lot.

Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.

Steal a fish tank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them.

Become a subgenius.

Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.

Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.

Speak in tongues.

Move you roommate’s personal effects around. Start subtlely. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling.

Walk and talk backwards.

Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the middle of your room. Number them.

Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. “The Road Warrior,” “Repo Man, “Casablanca,”) almost inaudibly.

Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias on a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your performance art class (or hit him/her with the wrench).

Chain yourself to your roommate’s bed. Get him/her to bring you food.

Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you are.

Ask your roommate if your family can move in “just for a couple of weeks.”

Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened.

Eat glass.

Smoke ball-point pens.

!Stay tuned for Part 3!

For those of you who didn't belive me when I said I'd lost it

I finally have proof, proof that I've lost my mind. A little while ago I was on the phone, sitting on the couch in the living room, staring at my bookshelf (that's an important point in this story - it was MY bookshelf) and the thought all of a sudden popped into my head "hmmm... I have that book."
You see my friends, I've lost it. When you don't even realize that a book that is on your bookshelf is yours, you're certifiably nuts.
In other news...
I almost lit my floor on fire earlier. Was lighting a match to light a couple candles, the match caught fire than broke in half, leaving me a little piece of match in my hand while the other lit half fell down my leg and onto the floor. I tried to blow it out but instead only blew it farther under my dresser, luckily it went out from lack of oxygen or something or other. I'm surprised I've survived 18 years in my life...
My cat cried again today. Its quite strange. Tears actually run down her face out of her eyes. Not really sure what is up with that. Monty on the other hand is afraid of the broom...
My lava lamp is doing what its supposed to do. Its lavalamping! Makes me wonder what makes the stuff in there do what it does... but that's an adventure for another day!
And to end this post, I believe I will share a song with you in hopes that it will get the freakin' thing out of my head! Till later!

Some Veggies went to sea sea sea

to see what they could see see see

but all that they could see see see

was the bottom of the deep blue sea sea sea.

see?