A little something to feed your cat addiction

Signs your cat may be trying to kill you.....

* Seems awfully chummy with the dog all of the sudden.
* He actually does have your tongue.
* Cyanide pawprints all over the house.
* As the wind blows over the grassy knoll in Dallas, you get a faint whiff of catnip.
* Droppings in the litter box spell out "REDRUM".
* Takes attentive notes whenever "Itchy and Scratchy" are on.
* Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper.
* Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman's noose.
* Now sharpens claws on your brakelines.

Signs that your Cat is too Fat......

* Cat door retro-fitted with garage door opener.
* Confused guests always mistaking him for beanbag chair.
* Always lands on his spleen.
* Fifteen months gestation and still no kittens.
* No longer cleans himself unless coated in cheez whiz.
* Luxurious shiny black coat replaced with mint green polyester pantsuit.
* No longer safe to pick him up without a spotter.
* Waits for the third bowl of food to get finicky.
* He only catches the mice that get caught in his gravitational pull.
* Has more chins than lives.

Indications That Cats are the Evolutionary Descendants of Dragons......

1. Ability to invoke fear with minor changes of facial expression.
2. Really wicked breath.
3. Enjoys toying with mortals.
4. They are constantly offered gifts in order to appease their wrath.
5. They have the ability to gain total control over the humans in their territory.
6. Claws that can decimate the toughest armor (or upholstery).
7. Affinity for high perches from which it can survey all that it controls.
8. The size of its ego is consistent with that of its evolutionary forebearers.
9. Habit of playing with food.
10. Ability to monitor its territory while seemingly asleep.

Cat Resolutions......

1. I will not flush the toilet when my human is in the shower.
2. As fast as I am, I must remember that I cannot outrun closed doors.
3. I will not lean over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then run screaming into the box of clumping cat litter.
4. I will not back up and fall off of the porch just as my human is telling her friend how graceful I am.
5. I will not bite my human on the butt when she is sitting on the big white drinking bowl.
6. I will not complain that my butt is wet and that I am thirsy after sitting in my water dish.
7. I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I shall not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.
8. When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not necessary to check every door.
9. I will not swat at my human's head repeatedly when she is in the living room trying to do sit ups.
10. I will not eat spider plants and hallucinate behind the toilet.
11. I will not drag the magnets off of the refrigerator and then bat them underneath it so they adhere to the underside.
12. I will not intrude on my human's candle-lit bubble bath and singe my butt.
13. I will no longer attempt to read my human's book or newspaper by sitting my butt down on it. I will no never grow eyes there no matter how hard I try.
14. If I sit in the sink when my human brushes her teeth, I will not get angry when she spits toothpaste on me.
15. If I MUST claw my human. I will not do it in such a way that the scars resemble a botched suicide attempt.

THINGS CATS MUST TRY TO REMEMBER.....

1. Screaming at the can of tuna will not make it open itself.
2. I should not assume that the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.
3. If I put a live mouse in my food dish, I should not expect it to stay there until I get hungry.
4. The guinea pig likes to sleep once in awhile....I will not watch it constantly.
5. If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
6. Television and computer screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.
7. The canned food is already dead. I do not need to kill it by swatting it all over the kitchen floor.
8. I am a carnivore. Potted plants are not meat.
9. I will never be able to walk on the ceiling and staring up the wall and screaming at it will not bring it any closer.
10. The goldfish likes living in water and must be allowed to remain in it's bowl.
11. If my human wants to share her sandwich with me she will give me a piece. She will notice if I start eating it from the other end.
12. The large dog in the backyard has lived there for six years. I will not freak out everytime I see it.