Roomates Beware! Part 9

~In honor of the much anticipated arrival of Pauline!

Wear your shoes on the wrong feet, all the time. Constantly complain that your feet hurt.

Hit your roommate on the head with a brick. Claim that you were trying to kill a mosquito.

Steal something valuable of your roommate’s. If he/she asks about it, tell him/her that you traded it for some magic beans. Give some beans to your roommate.

Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the light bulb with a hammer. Put a new bulb in the next day. Complain often about the cost of light bulbs.

Videotape yourself hammering a nail into a wall for a while, and then stopping. Play the tape in your room. Right before the hammering stops on the videotape, look at the screen and say, “Don’t do that.”

Buy a lamp. Tell your roommate it’s a magic lamp, with a genie inside it. Spend a week thinking about what to wish for. At the end of the week, report that someone has released the genie from the lamp. Blame your roommate.

Whenever your roommate brushes his/her teeth, watch him/her do so. Take notes. Write a paper on it, and circulate it around campus. If your roommate protests, say, “The people have a right to know!”

Collect potato chips that you think look like famous people. Find one that looks like your roommate. Burn it, and explain, “It had to be done.”

Read the phone book out loud and excitedly (“John Smith! Oh, wow! 837-9494! Holy cow!”)

Shadow box several times a day. One day, walk in looking depressed. If your roommate asks what’s wrong, explain that your shadow can’t box with you anymore due to an injury. Ask your roommate if you can box with his/her shadow.

When you walk into the room, look at your roommate in disgust and yell, “Oh, you’re here!” Walk away yelling and cursing.

Put up flyers around the building, reporting that your roommate is missing. Offer a reward for his/her safe return.

Buy a watermelon. Draw a face on it and give it a name. Ask your roommate if the watermelon can sleep in his/her bed. If your roommate says no, drop the watermelon out the window. Make it look like a suicide. Say nasty things about your roommate at the funeral.

Draw a chalk outline on the floor. When your roommate comes in, say, “Don’t worry. It’s not what you think.” If he/she asks about it again, immediately change the subject.

Drink a cup of coffee every morning. When you finish it, gnaw on the mug for about ten minutes. Then, look at your roommate, immediately put the mug away, and quickly leave the room.

Paint a tunnel on the wall like they do in cartoons. Every day, hit your head as you attempt to crawl through it. Hold your head and grumble, “Stupid road runner....”

Leave memos on your roommate’s bed that say things like, “I know what you did,” and “Don’t think you can fool me.” Sign them in blood.

Hold a raffle, offering your roommate as first prize. If he/she protests, tell him/her that it’s all for charity.