The drugs don't make me high, they make me neutral. ~Dr. Gregory House.
I love my cat. yes... I know. I say it all the time. but really only cause its true. At the moment she's sitting on my computer monitor. With the her paws and head hung over the screen. Very very soon, I'll post a picture. Cause you just can't understand the cuteness without a picture.
Music is a strange thing. It really is. A good but strange thing. Its strangest quality is how it can have memories so strangely associated with it to the point that it makes you cry to just hear a certain genre, or sometimes it creates thsi emotion that one can't even describe. For example, Country music makes me cry (not because of its horribleness or anything like that) but because its what Dad always listened to in the truck and for some reason that makes me cry. Now that's an emotion I can explain. Now any music from the Walk the Line soundtrack or from the band Oasis makes me feel weird... yep... only word that can describe it really... the first time I heard any of those songs was on the Habitat trip, so I know that its some sort of association with that, but I'm not exactly sure what. Anyways... its strange.. whoever came up with the idea of music was very wise and very smart.
Well I must get to work. Yay four hour shift!
GALFRIDUS CHAUCERES LYNES OF PICKE-VPPE
Courtesy of Passionate Discourse
-Do sheriffs administere thee to those who breke the kinges peace? Bycause thou lookst "fyne."
-Art thou a disastrous poll tax? Bycause I feele a risynge comynge on.
-Nyce bootes. Wanna swyve?
-Yf thou were a latyn tretise ich wolde putte thee in the vernacular.
-Ich loved thy papere, but yt wolde looke much better yscattred across the floore of myn rentede dorme roome at dawne.
-Thou lookst so mvch lyk an aungel that the friares haue lefte the roome yn terror!
-Shulle we maken the cindreblokke to synge?
-Woldstow haue me shyfte thyne voweles?
-Were thou yn my seisin, ich wolde nevir escheat on thee.
-Thy beaute ys more intoxicatyng than the OVP openne bar.
-Yf thy beautee were an poeme, yt wolde make Dante looke lyk Marcabru.
-The preeste telleth me that we aren more than VII degrees of consanguinitee. Game on!
-Ich notyce that myn demense and thyn do abutte. Wolde yt plese thee to consolidate ovre powere-base in the midlands?
-Makstow a pilgrymage heere often?
-Let vs breake oure mornyng faste togedir tomorrowe. Shal ich sende a page wyth a message for thee, or shal ich wake thee wyth an aubade composid ex tempore?
-Ich coude drynke a yearlye tun of thee.
-Ys thy father a makere of walles? For how else dide he gyve thee svch a tall and fayre forheed?-
Ich haue the tale of Lancelot yn myn roome. Woldstow rede of yt wyth me?
-By my soule, thou art a verye mappe of helle. For thy face lyk the rivere Styx wil make me swere oothes neuer to be fforsworn, and thy embrace lyk the Lethe shal make me foryet al else, and lyk vnto the Flegeton thyn arse ys ON FYRE!
-Woldstow be myn Gaveston?
-Howe abovte a blancmange and the acte of Venus? Whatte, blancmange pleseth thee nat?
-If ich sayde that thou hadde a bele chose, woldstow holde it ayeinst me?
-Ich do deuote myn diligence to studye of the anatomie of engendrure. Ich haue happed vpon an abstruse passage in the werke of Constantyne the Affrikan De Coitu, the which I kan nat construe. For lernynges sake and the goode of wisdom, woldstow performe the acte of venus withe me so that ich may interpret thys clause in propre wise?
Why, when I was unhappy in general did I give up the one thing that truly made me happy?
And I couldn't just give it up easily either, I had to ruin lives and break hearts in the process so as to be sure I'd never get it back. But now I want it back.
I don't care anymore if it means I"ll never be like everyone else, if I'll never make my fairytale dreams come true. But you know, you can't have the fairytale relationship without the fairytale love... and I just pushed that love away.
You know, I had this huge realization today while ironing at work. I'm 19. I still have (hopefully) 6 years of school left, I have at least another 20-25 years left to have children etc. Why am I worried about all this stuff now? Why am I worried I"ll never find someone to marry or I"ll never have children now? Why can't I just allow myself to be with the one I love, and to be loved for now? And if things don't work out later, fine. Why am I always thinking of the future? Why does everything always have to be set in stone and planned out? Why can't I just be happy with what I have now and worry about the future when the future becomes the present?
I realize that if I do get this love back... it'll have a lot of conditions and compromises. But relationships have compromises right? I'm just tired of being the one doing all the compromising. However before that happens I need to brush up on my begging.
But for now I'm gonna go shower. Later
*Girl Confessions*
Name: Melody
I sleep naked: umm...not now that I have a roomate
I've dyed my hair: Nope
I've danced around in my underwear: of course I have. Good workout actually.
I wear makeup: Only when I care enough to cover up the ugly.
I've snuck out to meet boys: You know I don't think I've ever done that... but I live alone. ;)
I keep a diary: Not usually.
I love chocolate: sometimes
Chick flicks make me cry: Yuck. I don't like that kind of movie
Ive drank coz of a guy: Not yet. Gimme time.
I still need my girl time: what does girl time consist of exactly?
It takes me at least an hour to get ready: oh good grief no. 2 minutes is good.
I still have sleep overs w/ my girls? Rarely
I love doing my hair: No. I hate my hair.
My boyfriend's better than yours: If I had one of course he would be better then yours,
I've given a guy a fake number: nope, but I"ve given them a fake name.
I've been hit on in public: a few times
I've been called a slut: not that I remember... but its bound to happen eventually
I love singing: Yes I enjoy singing
I love dancing: Never really done it before.
I have my belly button pierced: no, but maybe someday
I have my tongue pierced: ouch
I have a tattoo: Not yet.
I have gotten suspended: nope
I have gotten arrested: nope
I have had one big crush: sure
Ive dated a guy for his car: Umm..no
I hate all of my ex's: the one? No. Don't hate 'em at all.
I have got out of a ticket before just by batting my eyes: yeah... that wouldn't work for me
I secretly jam out to Britney Spears: Noppers
I can not have enough shoes: shoes... well... I'm starting to like 'em more.
I have watched porn: I think this is one I just won't answer...
I play video games: rarely, prefer watching other people play them
I wear boxers to bed: not usually.
Ive drank because I felt like it: is there any other reason?
I drive a truck: I would give anything to drive a truck. But I think I'll learn to drive first.
I have a job: Yes, unfortunately.
I have more than one job: Yeah... no.
Not all guys are the same: well, tha'td be no fun.
I'd do anything for a special person: anything? Probably not.
Ive acted like a whore: no, never.... and I'm never sarcastic.
Sports over-rule everything else: no way
I like rock music: Yes
I like rap music: Hell no
I like country music: sure do, grew up on it
I've gotten detention: once - for reading a book in class
Is your phone right beside you?: nope
Do you miss someone?: Yea, a few people
Do you wish you were somewhere else?: Yeah
Do you have plans for tonight?: Not really, gonna try and eat something maybe. We'll see.
Are you cold?: Nope, I have a kitty on my lap. Kitty fur!
Are you tired?: Yes. I need sleep. Haven't gotten much the last few nights.
Are you excited?: About what exactly?
Are you watching T.V.?: No, listening to music.
Are you wearing pajamas?: Not yet. But after my shower I will be.
Who's the last person you IMed?: hmmm... don't remember actually. Marie maybe. Its been awhile.
Who's the last person that called you?: someone I don't know... looking to see if I wanted to go out... I have no idea who it was...
Anything you regret?: Yes.
Ever lied?: Yeah, not so good at it though.
Ever stuck gum under a desk?: No, that's terribly disgusting
Ever spit at someone?: doesnt' sound like something I'd do.
Ever kick something living?: Yes... but it was out of self-defence.
LAST WEEK
Have any plans last week?: Nope
Who did you see most last week?: No one. I saw no one.
Was last week interesting?: not really
TODAY
Have you cursed?: yes
Have you yelled at someone?: No
Have you gotten mad at someone?: yes
Have you cried?: yes
Have you called more than 3 people?: No
Have you IMed more than 3 people?: No
Have you gotten laid?: Not today no...
Have you eaten anything gross?: No
Is there a person who is on your mind right now?: Yes
Where is the last place you went: Work
Do you smile often?: Yeah, too often, hurts the cheeks
Do you think that someone is thinking about you right now? I'd like to think so.. but its unlikely.
Choose one to have (love, beauty, creativity): Creativity, cause then I could find creative ways to make myself beautiful and be really creative in tricking people into loving me
Do you wish on stars?: rarely
Does it work?: no
Do you untie your shoes every time you take them off: nope
Would you kill someone?: Depends on the price
When did you last cry?: In my recent emtional and mental state probably.
Do you like your handwriting?: It'll do
Are you a friendly person?: depends on the day
Are you keeping a secret from the world?: its impossible to keep a secret from the entire world
Who's bed did you sleep in last night?: mine unfortunately
What color shirt are you wearing?: White shirt. Yesterday I was frumpy. Today I went for sleezy with the blue bra and see-through shirt and all
Do you have any pets?: Yeap. My kitty
What is the color of your bedsheets?: Pink flowers
Can't wait till...?: there are alot of things right now...
When is the last time you saw your dad?: few weeks ago
Look to your left: which side is left?
Do you own a picture phone?: No
Ever cried yourself to sleep?: most nights
Ever cried on your friends shoulder?: Yeah, I could use a friend right now.
Song that makes you cry?: There are a few.
Are you a normally happy person?: to the world yeah
Is your self-esteem low?: Yes
What color are your eyes?: blueish greenish
Long or Short Hair?: longish
Current Music?: None
I don't want to be remembered. If there must be a funeral I don't want any "Melody was such a... blah blah blah". I don't want that. I don't want visiting. I want it over in a day and everything done. I don't need to be buried in a cemetery. Bury me next to Brandy in the woods. That's fine.
I want Dave to have my cat. I can't think of anyone else who would take care of a cat as well as he would and she deserves the best in kitty kare. Dave can also have my history books and intellectually ones. Marie can have any classical englishy ones she wants. Mary, my movies and music as well as my writing. Be sure to get it all off the computer before you get rid of it or anything or you can have it, it works better than yours. ;) Marie should take my clothes, cause she likes alot of them and she's the only one I know who could fit into them. Make sure my sister gets my jewelry making stuff as well as my rings. I think that's all the important stuff.
I never had a list of things to do before I died... never one was one to do that. Like you know, education, career, love, children, travelling.. never really thought about what I wanted to accomplish first. Meh. I guess when it happens you can't really help it huh? Its not like you can just pause things and do everything you wanted to do then press play again.
Anyways... gonna go clean house.
Post #100. I'm quite proud. I've started one of these blogs many times and never actually gotten anywhere with it. Sure nothing too spectacular has been shared here and there really is no point to it. No education or social value. Nothing too great. But still, I've enjoyed spilling my life to random people, my woes, my excitements, my few success, my many failures... yeah... its been fun.
But let's find something funny to share for my 100th post!
Kitty Comics! I love these!
So today was cruise ship set up day. Also known as migraine day. It wasn't too bad... my boss is nuts though and everyone hates her. Was kinda funny watching people freak out, I think there will be a mutiny by the end of the summer. I respond to being called Melissa now too. There are two Melody's so it just works better if I let her go on thinking I'm Melissa. The cruise ship comes tomorrow. That should be fun. I'm actually looking forward to it. I don't have to be there till 7 now. So an extra hour of sleep!
Anyways, I must go clean up before my new roomie, literally, arrives. So I"ll post something later on!
A bus ride always means time to think especially when I can't see well enough to read... so I thought. Probably a little too much. Maybe not. I don't know. But I've come to a question... one I am incapable of answering. Not that I'm expecting anyone else will be able to answer it either.
What makes me lovable?
I mean, family has to love me. They don't get a choice but what makes friends love me? There are plenty of better people in the world... or at least I think there are.
My friends are amazing people. They're funny, they make me laugh. They're caring, they have great personalities, they're just good people. That's why I love them.
Me though... There is really nothing too amazing about me. I'm not particularly funny, unless you count my stupidity and clumsiness which seems to make people laugh. I'm not that caring most of the time, actually I can be pretty darn cruel and mean. And really I don't have much of a personality. My cat's got more personality then I do.
I'm really just a really depressing, scared and vulnerable little girl (and definetly not physically little). Is that what makes people love me? Is the fact that my life is full of bad things a loveable trait? Is it pity love? Just cause people feel bad for me? If I'd had the perfect childhood, if I had no medical problems, and the perfect emotional state, would people still love me?
Is that why I'm always just friend/family/acquaintance material and rarely dating material?
Do I just ooze screwed up? Is that why every boy in high school just saw me as a friend, and it was like pulling teeth to change that view?
You know... I've never been whistled at. And I probably shouldn't want that, as every other girl has always complained about how they hate it and such... but secretly they like it. And secretly I"d like it to happen every once in a while (well not so secret now...), just once even...
I'm slipping into what I was before... my confidence in what I look like as a young woman/kid/girl or whatever the hell I am is pretty low right now.
Anyways... I've noticed there is a strange smell coming from my kitchen area so I'm gonna go remove the mouse. Catch ya up on the weekend later.
I found the lyrics to that song... apparently its an actual song.. reading the lyrics I now remember why I loved that song... it summed up how I felt most of the time...
Of all the saddest words
That I have ever heard
The saddest is the story
Told me by a bird
He had spent about and hour
Chatting with a flower
and here ís the tale the flower told
I'm a lonely little petunia in an onion patch,
an onion patch, an onion patch
I'm a lonely little petunia in an onion patchand
all I do is cry all day
Boo hoo, boo hoo
The air ís so strong it takes my breath away
I'm a lonely little petunia in an onion patch,
oh won't you come and play with me
Who put me in this bed?
I'll bet his face is red
I call him down with every teardrop that I shed
If I only had him here
I'd take him by the ear
And make him share my misery
I'm a lonely little petunia in an onion patch,
an onion patch, an onion patch
I'm a lonely little petunia in an onion patch
and all I do is cry all day
Boo hoo, boo hoo
The air ís so strong it takes my breath away
I'm a lonely little petunia in an onion patch,
oh won't you come and play with me
Today was a busy day. Its nice to have a busy day every once in awhile. A busy one where I actualy see people, usually if its busy its just at work or returning phone calls or doing housework or whatever. But today was busy. My most-likely-gonna-be roomate for the summer came over to see the place and we figured some stuff out and such. Then Emma from work just showed up to visit. That was a pleasant surprise. I love surprises, especially when they involve someone visiting me. Then my mother came over and we left to run a few billion errands including the return of a book from the university library that I had forgotten about and they were asking for a huge replacement fee for. And then we did more bill stuff. Joy joy. Then I ordered my plethera of vitamins. And bought cards. And allow me to rant for a second on the price of cards. I had to get a father's day card (actually ended up getting two but I'll share on that one in a few) and a birthday card.. so 3 cards. They came to 15 dollars! That's ridiculous! Yuck!
I payed Mom back today. I remain only in debt to one person now. Also discovered why the ATM's own't let me take out more than a 100 dollars at a time.. apparently there is something on my account, making it so that I can't. Which I suppose is a good thing except when you are taking out more than a 100.
I get to call Marie tonight! So excited. I can tell her I took my meds last night. Yeah.. I haven't taken 'em since I moved in here pretty much... and its starting to become noticeable... not only am I feeling pretty gross but I'm noticing my thoughts and such are really violent and very dark and its scarey. Scarey enough to make me take them. But I guess having a pile of vitamins to take at night will remind me to take them.. if I remember the vitamins.
I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow.. regarding some screwed up womanly things... not looking forward to it at all. But I guess this is the time to get things fixed if there is something to fix.
So Mom and I took Gram (it was her birthday today) to buy some flowers... she bought petunias... and whenever I hear of petunias I think of the song my grandfather would always sing "I'm a lonely little petunia in an onion patch..." That's the only line I know... he knew it all... kinda upset that I don't know it... actually quite upset. And cause he always sang it... it was hard on Gram today not having him around. Mom and I bought her the perfume she always uses. It was the thing Papa always gave her... we had to go in on it cause it was soooo expensive. It was hard... Gram cried when she opened it.
Then when I was in the card store, I saw a father's day card that said "For you, Papa"... cards dont' usually say that.. so I bought it.. I think I'll put it up at the cemetery in a baggie or something... Father's day is gonna be hard... there's really no one anymore.. I rarely saw Dad on Father's Day... it was always Papa. But its okay.. he in a better place... thoguht that doesn't help the missing.
Its even harder watching Gram deal with it all.. I sat with her for a while tonight and she just held my hand... I kept saying I needed to go but she just wouldn't let go. I'll stay there next summer, just for her. She really really wants me to. And I have to call her more. I never call her. So I must call her on thursday night. I promised her that. And I know she'll be looking forward to it all day. She had me try on her wedding rings today... asked me if I wanted them and such... They're white gold. I don't like gold, and apparently they're mine. She made me promise I'd use them as my own wedding rings... which is fine with me. They are really pretty. She then proceeded to ask me when I was gonna bring a boy home... contiuned hinting that she'd like to see me married before she goes... I hope she plans on living long. Cause its gonna be a while... but that's okay. It'll keep her around longer.
But anyways, I must go put away clean clothes and clean up a bit. Later.
Perhaps a career in explaining myself isn't for me... or maybe I just need better listeners.
Had a conversation with a girl at work today about why I'm not sleeping with people. She's convinced that there's no point in dating someone unless you're sleeping with them. I kinda disagreed. And really, all religious reasons out of the picture I still would disagree.
I like that I can do that. I think its good... I really don't like people who lecture people on topics like pre-marrital sex and abortion using solely religious reasons, especially when you're talking with someone who could care less about religion and God. I don't really think there's much of a point personally. Yeah, the reasons I give are purely self-centered reasons most of the time and they probably stem from religious things.. but maybe not... I've become a bit more... I don't know... more apathetic toward that kind of thing. I mean.. I still have my beliefs but I'm a bit more open-minded about things now. I'm not the goody-goody girl I used to act like I was. And I realize that and pray that no one thinks me to be that when I'm not. I guess I'm just a bit more realistic now. I like it quite a bit. I'm accepting of stuff, not too judgemental about people and what they do or how they live. I think its a good quality that I've developed.
So I have my apartment for Fredericton. yay! Gonna cost me an arm and a leg to keep it up this summer but got an apartment and actually I may have a roomate for the summer here which may cut down on expenses. Yeah. And I think the company may be nice too.
Ooo! Got my acceptance letter to UNBF today too! That's also exciting. They all said I"d get it but its nice to have it in my hand.
Anyways, I'm really hungry so I think I'm gonna make meself some food. Later!
Back with something funny!
Why penguins have short lives...
P.S. I changed my template so my apologies for any lettering colors that are hard to read now. I'll work on fixing them all to black.
I'm home. It was a good weekend. Personally it ended horribly.. and I really don't know exactly what it was that upset me so much. Actually, no I have a fairly good idea of what it was. Couples.. I hate them. I think right now I"m just bitter.. but I think half of the people who got on that bus this afternoon were a half of a couple and of course they got walked to the bus station by the other half, for a few there were tearful goodbyes etc... it made me mad and I don't like that it made me angry. It shouldn't. So the bus ride consisted of a great effort not to cry cause I was angry and because I was angry at myself for being angry.
I'm such a girl... except when it comes to violent movies.. which kinda worries me.. but meh.
I walked home in the rain along the harbour passage - one of the things I'm really gonna miss about SJ. Luckily it was raining so no one could tell I was crying.. though here I am telling you I was crying. Anyways.. I think I must have passed at least 25 couples... man walking the dog, holding the wife or girlfriend's hand, they'd be laughing or just chatting...
You know its frustrating... I'm pretty sure I know what I want... its just that I don't know how to go about getting it.
Its been a long time since I allowed myself to think about weddings and children... really long time. The girls were talking bout weddings and such at work the other day, it was surprisingly quite fun to dig up old dreams and share 'em with people who didn't think I was crazy.
You know... they tell you how to go about getting the career you want.. where are the guidebooks and counsellors to tell you how to go about getting a guy to fall in love with you, marry you and grow old with you? Not that I want that now.. cause I really don't think I'm ready for any relationships right now but I don't think this is a skill I have... so I could use some time to perfect it.
Rereading this... I'm quite the scatterbrained gal...
Anyways... I'm gonna go eat some grapes... not that I'm gonna "go" anywhere to eat 'em... just gonna get up, get them out of the fridge, wash them and sit back down here... so I guess I could talk more... but I'm gonna find something fun to post. So... back later!
Unlike Joanna... who hasn't posted a thing in over a month! ;) Its okay. I forgive you.
One of the reasons I haven't written anything is cause there really isn't anything to post... I still hate my job, am still looking for another one. Really all I've been doing this week is working.
I have only one cat now. And she's really missing Monty and driving me crazy. She was really sick last week, and her meds just stopped yesterday and of course today she's started getting sick again... I'm really getting frustrated... in a sad sort of way... I can't have anything happen to her but I also can't afford to keep taking her to the vet and getting her medicine.
I'm heading up to Fredericton today. Meeting Pauline up there to check out an apartment and hopefully when I come home on Sunday I"ll be able to say I hav an apartment for September. Got my student loan assesment, I can live off of that, hopefully without a job cause I really need to get my marks up if I have any hopes of school after this is done.
Got groceries on Tuesday. Terribly exciting. Went to supper with Emma on Thursday. I really like coconut rum and pineapple juice. I don't like the name of drinks though.. they're weird. You feel so silly for ordering half of 'em.
So chocolate soy milk isn't all that bad... its okay.. not as good as regular chocolate milk but not as bad as American chocolate milk. I'm really craving icecream though... but I know it'll make me very sick.. so I must wait till I can afford to buy some lactaid first.
Wel anywayl... this was a pitstop on the way from shower to my room so I need to go dry off.. I'm making a puddle. Later
One of the being the inability to spell dilemna... umm... yes...
So my kitty is quite sick. and its really scarey.. and I should be at home with her right now but I'm not... and I feel really guilty... but my mother isn't ready to take me home yet...
I've found a good home for Monty though, so now I can spend a bit more money on getting Willow healthy, I really don't like seeing her sick.
I didn't get the job I wanted but I applied for a bunch more and its a possiblity for me to get another one, but I'm not gonna bother explaining it all until I am sure I have it. Its less hours than what I have now but it would equal out to paying the same...darn it... so conflicted. The other thing is that its 12 hour night shifts...
But yeah.... so yesterday I experienced the mass murder of slugs... was terribly interesting.
I had a miserable day at work today.. it was just horrible actually.... and that says enough really.
Later.
