What was I thinking?

Why, when I was unhappy in general did I give up the one thing that truly made me happy?
And I couldn't just give it up easily either, I had to ruin lives and break hearts in the process so as to be sure I'd never get it back. But now I want it back.
I don't care anymore if it means I"ll never be like everyone else, if I'll never make my fairytale dreams come true. But you know, you can't have the fairytale relationship without the fairytale love... and I just pushed that love away.
You know, I had this huge realization today while ironing at work. I'm 19. I still have (hopefully) 6 years of school left, I have at least another 20-25 years left to have children etc. Why am I worried about all this stuff now? Why am I worried I"ll never find someone to marry or I"ll never have children now? Why can't I just allow myself to be with the one I love, and to be loved for now? And if things don't work out later, fine. Why am I always thinking of the future? Why does everything always have to be set in stone and planned out? Why can't I just be happy with what I have now and worry about the future when the future becomes the present?
I realize that if I do get this love back... it'll have a lot of conditions and compromises. But relationships have compromises right? I'm just tired of being the one doing all the compromising. However before that happens I need to brush up on my begging.
But for now I'm gonna go shower. Later